The Reverse Will
by Hometown
Summary: A parody to Silent Hill 2. Follow James Scanderlund's gallant yet deranged quest to kill his already dead wife while he meets an assortment of other peculiar characters. Rated for violence and language.
1. Forsaken James

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A/N This little fic came to me spontaneously out of the blue. All the characters are altered in this fic and their names are changed, so you cant kill and/or sue me. This is purely for entertainment. Be sure to keep in mind that it IS a parody. 

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Disclaimer!: I don't own Silent Hill in anyway possible. And any similarity to anyone else's characters is unintended. (- Just in case ^-^) And I suppose I DO own some of the characters in this fic, so NO STEALING! :D 

The Reverse Will

James Scanderlund gazed into his reflection in the grimy mirror. He slowly ran his cold fingers through his dirty blonde hair and thought to himself,

__

Damn I'm sexy.

His train of thought wandered back to why he was in this bathroom in the first place: He had to urinate. Yet one glace at the dirt clogged, rusted urinals and he changed his mind. The restroom seemed to have been neglected for about 40 years, built then left to rot. The walls were covered in graffiti and one sink even seemed to have blood leaking from it. James vaguely wondered if the plumbing worked but when he tried to turn the handle, it stuck fast. 

James leaned away from the mirror and stepped outside. The sun outside was bright, almost blinding. He squinted as he made his way back to his parked car, telling himself once again why he was here.

__

Marie, are you really here? 

He paused outside the door of his old, beat-up car and pulled a crumpled note out of his pocket. It read:

_'James dear, _

I be at Quiet Hill now, waiting for you. Why didn't you ever take me there again? Oh how I love this town, it's so prettyful. Anywhos, I be waitin' for U @ our special place. You no where it is. ; ) Come ASAP! 

~Marie - xxx'

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James stared at the letter, a look of pure hatred plastered on his face. 

"The dead can't possibly write letters," he reassured himself, "Marie's dead. I finally killed her just a week ago."

James despised his wife. The only reason he married her was the fact that he was 'under the influence' when he met her. Two days after the wedding he became aware of himself once again. Ever since then, he attempted many ways of getting her out of his life. He finally decided that the only way to get rid of the leach was to kill her. After many failing attempts, he managed to poison her with pesticides in her ramen noodles which put her in a serious condition which lead to a coma. She eventually died in a hospital a few days later. That one week without Marie was the absolute best seven days in James' life. Now she dared to come back from the dead. 

James didn't doubt the letter at all. It was printed in her usual sloppy writing and horrible way of speech. James decided that he should just leave her in that town to rot, but a lingering thought in the back of his head forced him to seek her. He did not want to take any chances of her finding him once again. He had some unfinished business to attend to; he was going to rid of her once and for all. 

James wadded up the note and shoved it back into his pocket. He reached into his car and retrieved a map of Quite Hill. 

_Our special place… What did she mean by that? Does she mean Poppywater Park? The place where I attempted to shove her over the railing and into the endless abyss of Tuluki Lake? Probably, It's worth a shot anyway. _

To James' deep agitation, the road in front of him was blocked. In frustration, he pulled out the map to check.

_I'm in the right place, why the hell is the road blocked? Oh screw it, there's a path into town I can take._

James folded up the map and stuffed it into his back pocket. He turned and made his way down the old stone steps that lead to a forested trail. He walked slowly down the trail, wondering to himself why the fog was getting thicker. Soon, it grew so thick that he could only see about 10 feet in front of him. He had a nagging feeling that someone or something was watching him. He began to hear strange, choked noises. James panicked and increased his pace. Soon, the noises had him sprinting blindly down the trail, the annoying urge to urinate still tugging at him. 

He eventually ran straight into a rusted iron fence in his blind run to security. He hastily threw open the creaky gate and propelled himself into a large, empty space, making sure to close the gate behind him. He rested to allow his breathing to regular itself, then walked into the dense fog in front of him. He soon realized that he was in a graveyard… wonderful. James made his way uneasily through the rows of tombstones, hoping to run into another gate sometime soon. 

Suddenly, while he was stepping silently among the protruding slabs, a girl launched herself out from behind a nearby grave and clung to James' leg. James released a high-pitched, girlish scream of pure terror and fell backwards, conking his head on a tombstone. 

"OUCH! Damn it all!" Exclaimed James as he sat up and rubbed the back of his head, trying to focus blurred vision upon the abomination that attacked him. 

"Oh, I'm so sorry!" said the dark haired women as she released her grip and backed up pathetically against a tombstone. "I thought you were my mommy."

James groaned as he regained his footing. "Do I look like your Mom?! I hope you're happy to know that I don't have to piss anymore." He brushed dust and dirt off of his clothing and turned his attention back to the girl. "Who are you? And why are you looking for your mom in a cemetery?"

The girl stood up and regained a regal pose. "I'm Angelica and I'm looking for my mother. She said she would be here, so I'm going to find her. My Dad and brother were supposed to be here too, but I can't find them."

James blinked in confusion. "May I suggest that you search elsewhere other then this cemetery?" 

Angelica frowned. "I'm going to! I'm on my way to town… she might be there."

"I see, I'm on my way there too."

Angelica seemed immediately interested. "Really? Who are you looking for?"

"How did you know I was looking for someone?" Said James cautiously, "Anyway, I've come here to ki- find my wife." He faked a large, cheesy grin. "Do you know the closest route into town?"

"Sure I do," Angelica said in a matter-of-fact tone. "Just keep walking straight and there is a path that will lead you all the way to town."

"Thanks." James replied as he turned around and started in the other direction.

"Wait!"

James turned around to face her.

"There's something about that place, It's not right! Its dangerous!"

James smiled. "That'll make it all the easier for me." With that, he continued on his way. 

Angelica furrowed her brow with a bemused look upon her face. "Well, Good luck to you." She called after him as he disappeared through the fog.

James wandered aimlessly through the fog.

_How big IS this place?_

Continuing in a straight line, he found another old gate, pried it open, and continued on his merry way. This path wasn't as narrow as the trail on way here. James decided not to take any risks and sprinted along he path, ignoring the rustles of something pursuing him. He came to the conclusion that singing a song would somehow aide his spirits and magically make the thing stop following him.

James broke out into song, "Daisy! Daisy! Give me your answer due. I'm half crazy all for the love of you! It wont be a STYLSIH marriage! I can't afford a carriage, but you'll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two!" 

Well, His spirit was crushed by the annoying song now stuck in his head, but at least the thing stopped following him. He vaguely wondered if he even sang it right as he stepped out on to a paved road. 

_Great, I'm here. Now onward to the park! _

While walking along the road, he hummed the Daisy tune, eventually breaking into song again.

"Daisy! Daisy!- ACK! Damned accursed song from hell!" He stopped abruptly in the cross-section of the street and noticed a large red stain in the road. He quickly looked up in time to observe a humanoid that faintly resembled a burned stripper in a straightjacket wobbling through the fog and out of sight. 

"What the? What is up with THAT? OMG, What the FUCK is with this stain!?" Ignoring all obvious signs of danger, James ran after the stripper. 

After a long run following bloodstained streets, he came across a blocked off construction site. Normally, he would have shrugged it off and turned around, but something was emitting an annoying static noise from under the bridge. Determined to destroy the source of the noise, he stepped between two large pieces of plywood and searched around. He found a small red radio enthusiastically blaring static. As he reached down and picked up the annoying thing, the burned stripper menacingly pulled itself off the ground and gurgled at James.

James jumped in terror. Missing the obvious wooden plank, he hurled the hissing radio at the stripper's head, knocking it out cold. He violently kicked and stomped the burned atrocity until all signs of life left it.

"What the hell is that? It's definitely not a human!" James bent over and picked up the now quiet radio and eased himself through the plywood. The radio suddenly started blaring static again causing him to drop it in surprise. The radio hissed and the sound of someone speaking became apparent.

"……………………………...Jame.………………………..you sai………………me her…………………………..at the……………………………….amned………………….lov…………….hote……………..ake…….please……………….Ja……………ple………..James…."

"Shut up!" Yelled James as he stomped the radio with the heel of his boot. The device crackled then died. "Forsaken radio." James uttered as he picked up a piece of plywood for protection against the ravenous strippers then made his way back towards town.

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A/N What did ya think? Be sure to review, I'll continue the story if I get some reviews. =) 


	2. Seeking the unseekable

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A/N Wow, I actually got the 2nd chapter up! *smile smile* I've been literally drowning in school work these past few weeks. Sorry about the long wait. x_x Oh, and I'm glad to hear that my oddity of a story is actually liked by people. ^-^ 

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Disclaimer!: Refer to the first chapter for the basic disclaimer blah-blah. There are a few references to movies in this chapter and I DON'T own the movies they came from. ^^ I also don't own the guest in this fic, Konami does. 

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James was a mess. 

He had been traveling all over town, desperately searching for a way into Poppywater Park with no success; unless you count using his red marker to scribble off blocked roads as some sort of odd mental success for James, or the countless burned strippers that he has brutally murdered since his trip here. 

James walked slowly westward down Paul Street, his wooden plank raised at attention in case he needed to use it. He really wished he had that radio now… or at least some sunflower seeds. 

Thinking absent mindedly about the sunflower seeds that awaited him back at home, he failed to notice the stripper demon steadily approaching him. James was alerted by the trademark scuffling of it's feet and turned around a second too late. The demon twisted it's torso backwards and released a cloud of spray at James, causing him to cough and step backward in surprise.

"Keep your stinkin' hormones off me you damned dirty stripper!" James exclaimed violently and he raised his plank overhead and brought it down upon the stripper's scull with a sickening crack. 

The demon buckled under James' blow and fell to the ground, twitching spastically. James quickly stomped the thing a few a times then lifted his leg, readying himself to bring the heel of his boot down on the creatures' face when it suddenly twisted its bones and scuttled across the road and out of harm's way. 

"Get back here!" Yelled James as he followed the desperate stripper down Paul Street.

Looking for a route of escape, the foul entity crawled underneath a nearby trailer. James ran to the side of the structure and kicked the siding in fury.

"You'll die by my hands stripper! Do you hear me!?" James snorted, "I'll be back… as the governor of California." James snickered at his own dull, wise-ass comment and decided to check out the abandoned trailer. He stepped through the open doorway and into a messy trailer. Next to the bed on a small table was a note. James picked it up read the writing on it. 

'MeEt me @ Bar Kneelys

Hucked on foniks done gud fer me!'

James stared at the note for a good 30 seconds before he decided to head towards Kneelys' Bar. 

"A bar, huh? I wonder if there will be any left over drinks." James said under his breath.

He cautiously left the trailer, just to be sure that the ravenous stripper wasn't about to ambush him. He then sprinted down the foggy streets of Quiet Hill, avoiding the groups of strippers and murdering them only if they where alone. And why? It was all in good fun.

He was entering Kneelys' Bar sooner then he expected. The sight of the place quickly killed any hopes James had of obtaining alcohol. The first thing that caught his attention was writing spray painted on newspapers stuck to a large window. The papers read:

'There was a HOLE here, Its gone now'

"What the fuck? ... Well good for you." James muttered aloud to himself as he examined the letters. He located a map on the back counter and found some odd markings on it. He copied the markings on to his map.

"What is with that symbol at the end of Marten Street? Guess I better go there."

He stuffed the map back into his pocket. By now, James was beginning to wonder why he has been talking to himself a lot recently; even questioning his sanity. He left the bar and sprinted quickly through the streets towards Marten. He ran by any stripper demon that attempted to assault him, not wanting to get involved in any unnecessary fights at the time. 

James turned on to Marten street, not knowing what to expect. He didn't want to admit it, but, he was a little scared. He held his deadly plank that has slain many strippers at attention, ready to smack anything that attacked into submission. Just as he passed a broken down car, a burned stripper scuttled out from underneath it at an alarming rate towards James' feet. The startled James released a girly scream of terror and kicked the stripper with all the force he could muster. He didn't stick around to make sure it was dead, he just ran blindly down the street. 

He sprinted madly into the fog until he smacked into a brick wall. 

"Ouch, dammit!" James rubbed his head. "This must be the end of Marten… well there is nothing here!" He paced around the end of the street until something caught his eye. A bloody mass that had once been a human leaned against the far left wall. 

"… That's lovely." Commented James, "The strippers must have got im'." 

He approached the dead figure slowly when something shiny in the dead man's pocket caught his eye. James bent over and pulled a 'Woodflank Apartments' key from the man's bloodied pocket. He examined the key and came to the conclusion that it had to mean something. He pocketed the key then located 'Woodflank Apartments' on his map.

"This must mean something…" 

He turned from the bloody mass and ran in a hurry toward Woodflank Apartments, slaying the occasional stripper that assaulted him with it's evil spray. When he located the entrance to the apartments he used his key and was slightly confused when it disappeared after he used it; Yet he continued on anyway. Inside the fenced in entrance he found the door that lead into the apartments. Just after he laid his hand on the door a sound alerted him. He quickly looked around to find the source of the noise when a humanoid figure made it's way toward him.

"…?"

It was a man. A strange looking man clad in a brown coat and jeans. James was confused, but before he could say anything the man spoke out:

"Hi. My name is Harry Mason." He sighed. "Have you seen a little girl? Around seven years old. Short, black hair."

"I cant say I have." Replied James.

Harry blinked. "Oh, well you see. I'm in the wrong section of Silent Hill, how do I know? I don't."

James was confused by Harry's dialogue. "Well, this isn't Silent Hill… Your in Quiet Hill… and your killing my time." James turned to open the apartment door.

"No, Wait!" The confused Harry yelled.

James paused and turned back to the strange man.

"Have you seen a little girl? Short, black hair… about seven years old."

James frowned. "No I haven't. You just asked that a minuet ago, how would I know now?"

Harry blinked. "Oh okay… well, have you seen a little girl? Short-"

"NO!" Screamed James. 

"Oh…" Replied Harry. "have you seen a little girl?"

"NO DAMNIT!"

"Short,"

"SHUT UP!"

"Black Hair…"

James growled in agitation. "Fuck off you damned idiot, and leave me the hell alone!!!" James quickly threw open the door and disappeared inside.

Harry stood in the foggy yard alone.

"Well… I guess he didn't know. What a nice man." Harry shrugged to himself then sauntered away into town. 


	3. Good Ol' Traffic cone

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A/N Sorry for the long wait on this chapter. I was a little caught up in school and such. I also suffered through a small case of writers block for a little while there x_x. Too much stress. 

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Disclaimer!: Refer to the first chapter for the basic disclaimer blah-blah. And I don't claim to own Michael Jackson… thank god. Don't sue me. I don't own Geoffrey Rush

either. Or sadly, Johnny Depp. *sniffle* 

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James closed the heavy iron door of Woodflank Apartments behind him. He was beginning to wonder why he got himself into this mess. Was revenge really enough? Is there another reason why he's here? Well now he's here alone in this disturbing place full of rampaging strippers and a lunatic man with short term memory loss. 

"Well." James sighed, leaning his back against a rusted wall. "Things can only go up from here."

What poor James doesn't realize is that he's wrong. Very wrong. To James' immediate left was a conveniently placed map of the apartments. James snatched it off the wall and studied it closely. After a short search of the room and finding nothing interesting, he decided to ascend the stairs. He stopped at the first door and tugged on it. To his surprise, It opened. 

James peered his head into the long, rather damp looking hallway. When no rabid stripper pounced out of the dark to torment him, James stepped into the hall and had a look around. He tried the first door and found to his utter annoyance that the lock was broken, and could not be open. James jiggled the handle of the second door and found that is was also locked. 

He growled in annoyance.

"I'll have to break it down then!"

He drew out his stripper-bashing plank of doom and aimed a heavy blow at the handle of the door. Yet, to his dismay, the plank magically flew through the door, harming nothing. James blinked at his plank, and then to the door. With a squeak of agitation, he lowered his plank.

"Damned physical limits of a pixilated environment." He muttered. 

He found sight of another door that seemed promising. Thankfully, the door opened into an illuminated room. James quickly found the source of the illumination; A horribly tacky dress was displayed on a mannequin dummy standing out like Michael Jackson in the middle of the room. In the breast pocket of the dress was yet again another conveniently placed object; a pocket flashlight. James snatched the flashlight from the eye-soar of a dress and stuck it neatly in the pocket of his army-like coat. 

At this exact moment, as if on cue, a hideous beast flung itself from the floor. James was immediately reminded of Michael Jackson again. James felt like beating himself over the head to remove the disturbing mental images clinging to his brain. 

The demon looked like someone stripped Geoffrey Rush (Better known as Captain Barbossa from the 2003 hit; Pirates of the Caribbean. Wonderful actor I tell you. Johnny Depp rules.), replaced his arms with legs, injected him with steroids, took off his head, dipped him in glue, re-animated his body and set it lose on the streets. 

James shrieked with horror and beat the Rush demon to a bloody pulp. He beat it a few extra times to make sure that it kicked the bucket. At this point, James was sure this place was out to get him. 

James quickly retreated out of the room and glanced around uneasily, as if waiting for another Rush to appear out of nowhere. After a short examination of the 2nd floor hall and finding nothing notable, James climbed to the 3rd floor. In one of the rooms, James found a hand gun nestled in a shopping cart. Of course, he took the weapon. Looking around the room he noticed that all of the walls were dotted with hundreds of bullet holes. Someone must have had a lot of free time to do all this with only a handgun. 

Back in the rotted 3rd floor hallway again, James noticed a key on the other side of some metal bars blocking his path. Coming to a decision that the key must be significant, he kneeled down on the floor and strained to reach the key. 

Suddenly, something crushed his hand. James withdrew it quickly to see a blond little girl kick the key away from him, sending it sprawling across the floor.

"Ha-Ha!" The little girl said in the MOST annoying tone imaginable.

"Get back here you little bitch!" James shrieked. He stood up quickly, drew out his new hand gun and shot blindly through the bars and into the dark after the little girl. After firing off a few rounds he listened for any screams of pain. 

"Missed me, missed me!" The irritating voice echoed through the hall. Her insane giggling and fading footsteps are heard off in the distance. 

"AAARRRRGGGG!!!!" Yelled James, "I'll get you!" 

James paced in frustration, seriously considering shooting himself, after he killed the damned girl of course. He pondered about how to get to the other side. He remembered something about a clock. So James retraced his steps and walked back into the second floor hallway. Just as he began walking along the hall, he heard a scream that sounded like a baby's cry. James writhed in disgust. Curious, he followed the noise until he arrived at a dead end in the hall, blocked off by more bars. On the other side of the bars, was a THING. James stared at it as it stared back in a threatening, "I've-come-for-you-and-I'm-in-your-mind" sort of way. James made out it's features with the light from his pocket flashlight. It resembled what you'd might imagine if David Bowie ran into the street, stuck his head in a traffic cone, was burned alive and spray painted, then run over by a semi truck. Yup, It's good old traffic-cone head. 

After staring at Traffic-cone for a while James came to the conclusion that it wasn't going to leave while he was standing there. So he opened a nearby door and shut himself in the room. James couldn't shake that gross feeling he got from Traffic-cone's stare. He wasn't able to note any signs of a face or emotion behind that metal cone, but he was sure that he was being stared at. Like it was burrowing into his mind. 

James quickly shook the disturbing thoughts. But as he looked around the room, disturbing thoughts returned. A dead man laid in an armchair, his blood completely soaking the chair and spilling across the floor. The T.V. was on, but it showed only static. James examined the man. He had a gut feeling that maybe Traffic-cone killed him, or maybe another human even. But who would do something like this without any motivation? James scoffed. He could do a better job then this. With motivation of course.

James found a key on a shelf in the murdered man's room. It was the key to room 202. And so, James when through a wild "Find-the-key-and-open-the-door" thing multiple times until he ended up back at that grandfather clock. He used the newfound clock key to open up the face. He messed with the clock needles until he heard a click. James smiled at his own cleverness as he shoved the clock across the floor and discovered an opening into another room.

He squeezed inside with the swiftness of an obese, neutered cat and looked around the room. When nothing caught his eye (besides a red sticky note type-thing) he continued through the apartments. The door he opened lead him to a stairwell, so He climbed to the 3rd floor in hopes of obtaining the key the little girl kicked. Since there seemed to be a few door here James tried them out until one of them opened. 

James had accidentally walked on to a gruesome scene that would scar him for life. A horrible mental image was now planted in his brain that would haunt him forever.

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A/N To be continued. I have to go get busy on some homework now. Bleh, this sucks. I'll be sure to update sooner. *smile-smile*


	4. Reunions

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A/N And Here's the next chapter posted for your enjoyment, or disconcert. I have been listening to the Pirates of the Caribbean soundtrack all day. That's some good music, right up there with Silent Hill, The Piano, and Final Fantasy X. Whoops, my mind wandered. 

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Disclaimer!: Refer to the first chapter for the basic disclaimer blah-blah. Posting this annoying disclaiming is beginning to cause me to suffer mentally. I'm hoping that all you intelligent people can just look back to the first page, if you really WANT to. I don't see why though. And if anyone ever sues me all you'll get is some bad condition C.D.s, a few drawings of video game characters (James, Seymour, Yuna, Regina…), my English homework and $3.54 in change. 

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A/N OH! I forgot to mention that the guest in this chapter is owned by Squaresoft, and Squaresoft ONLY! And I don't mean any offense towards him, really. ^-^; I'm only a writer. 

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James blinked at the horrific scene before him. He rubbed furiously at his eyes, hoping that this was just a crack-induced delusion but, to his disappointment, he was wrong. He felt as if he could bathe for three hours and scrub himself raw with a wire brush yet he would never be clean again. 

Before him, was Traffic-cone. He seemed to be brutally ass-raping a pair of mannequin type demons against a wall. In the corner of the room, was a purple teletubbie-like thing rocking back and forth, as if spellbound by a melody. Just staring at James with a huge grin that was so disturbing that it was menacing. 

James cried in agony as he ran to a nearby closet that didn't really help because of the convenient wooden slots that acted as vents to the outside world. Poor James could still see everything. He drew out his handgun and curled into a fetal position on the floor.

"Why game designers!? WHY!?" James shrieked to the ceiling above him which really didn't give a shit. 

He peeked out the vents to see that Traffic-cone was now standing outside his door, causing James to shriek once more. He quickly drew forth his handgun and backed against the wall of the closet aiming it at Traffic-cone. 

Traffic-cone was clearly mocking James. Just something about it, the way it stared at him. It placed incoherent thoughts into his mind. Images that James couldn't piece together. He shuddered and fired a few shots at the offensive creature. Traffic-cone jumped in surprise at the shots and retreated from the room, dragging a big-ass knife behind him. 

James carefully stepped out of the closet and looked around the room. The nasty teletubbie still stood there… menacingly. James felt a shiver of disgust run through him as he raised his handgun and fired three shots into the thing. It quivered and fell over in a twisting mass. James was taken by surprise as a childish voice emitted from it:

"Oooh, come on! Don't you want to play with me? We can have lots of fun!"

James stared.

"Play with me!"

He put a bullet through the things' head, disgusted beyond belief by the childish voice and the squirming teletubbie-like appearance. He even stomped it a few times to make sure that it was dead. He hated kids. The sound of a child's voice to him was so obnoxious that he could curl in a corner and spew his guts out. James really was shaken by this event.

This town was out to get him. Playing with his mind.

__

Nonsense. James shook the idea off. 

__

There definitely is more to this then I think, but I'm just here on a murder mission, nothing else. 

James stared at the room around him. The two mannequins were dead, soaked in pools of blood. Their gluey bodies shining in some unearthly gleam. Stale semen stained the wall, and a bloody mass that used to be a teletubbie sprawled out on the floor. Definitely an interesting scene. Just then, the door opened slowly. James held up his gun to the door, in case something was to lunge at him. 

Instead, a creepy-looking man stared at James. The appearance of the man completely clashed with the environment of the apartments. First off, he had striking emerald blue hair that stuck out stiffly at the sides and hung down to his elbows. Another branch of hair came down over his face like a large bang, only zigzagged queerly. You could spot this guy from a mile away. And he seemed to be clad in a long, navy blue robe that exposed his chest and gathered at the center with a green obi tied in a bow. The appearance was really quite comical to James. 

The man took a quick look around the room and decided that he would be better off elsewhere. He slowly closed the door and retreated. 

"No!" James yelled, running after the clearly deranged man.

James burst open the door into the hallway only to find it empty.

"Dammit!" James complained. He looked around at the doors that he had available to him. He selected a nearby door and jiggled the handle. This door cooperated with James and allowed him entry. The room would have been empty besides the fact that a horribly mauled corpse was spread out in the kitchen and retching noises could be heard from somewhere. James followed the noises to a bathroom and opened the door to find…

A HORRIBLE RETCHING MASS OF FAT SPEWING INTO A TOLIET!

Oh, my mistake, it's human.

James squeaked in horror. The Horrible Retching Mass turned his head towards James and sighed. 

"Hi." It said weakly before turning to retch some more. The Horrible Retching Mass's ass crack was clearly displayed for James in all it's FMV glory. 

James was beginning to wonder what he did to piss off God.

The Mass finished spewing and turned to face James.

"My Names' Neddy" He said. "I swear I didn't do it! I swear! It was like that when I came in here!"

James blinked.

"The horribly mauled guy?"

"No, no," Neddy replied, "The bear! Didn't you see it? That stuffed bear! It's head is gone! And I didn't do it! I swear! It's so horrible!" He turned to retch some more.

James stared at Neddy blankly. "WTF?"

This guy clearly has some mental issues. James didn't even bother to introduce himself, he just left; after snatching a key from the shelf first, of course. 

He returned to the hallway and began trying random doors. Finally, a locked door opened with the turn of his key. James stepped inside the room and looked around. Towards the side of the apartment, the Scary Man from earlier was reading a brochure opened up on a side table. He turned quickly and faced James.

The man was scarier then James initially thought. On one of his hands, he had menacing elongated fingernails; kinda like claws, James thought. And on the guy's forehead, he seemed to have exposed veins in an odd pattern. James felt uncomfortable.

The creepy guy stared at James then slowly narrowed his eyes. "What are you doing here?"

James blinked, then replied, "I'm looking for my wife. She's as dumb as a rock and horribly fussy. She also wears a tacky pink dress. Have you seen her? Say… how did you get into this room if it was locked from the outside and I had the key?"

"Never mind that," He sharply replied. "I haven't seen your wife."

James didn't like the creepy guy's voice. It was too calm… and girly. James began to wonder if the guy was a homosexual, or a eunuch, or maybe even a pedophile.

"What's your name?" James asked, skeptical of the mans existence. 

"I am Maester Seymour Gaudo." 

"Pretty extravagant for a name, don't you think?" James asked in a snotty tone.

Seymour blinked.

"So, how did a colorful guy like you get here? Why _are _you here?"

Seymour stared at James questionably. "To tell the truth, I haven't the faintest idea…"

"Damn." James whined, "I was hoping that you would know about this place. You seem a little sane to me… more so then the others anyway. Do you know where these demons are coming from?"

Seymour cackled oddly, "Sane? You think I'm _SANE_?!" 

James slowly backed away.

"How could ANYONE who went through life wanting to kill off the world be _SANE_?!

James felt his back bump up against the apartment wall. 

Seymour was slowly approaching James. "How could I be sane when I was screwed up mentally by my peers for being a half breed, After my own father banished me, after my mother killed herself before me when I was young!? I've always had macabre views on life. Life is HELL while death is eternal rest, free from pain!" 

"Alright, alright!" James was beginning to panic. This guy really was screwed up. "Get away from me you fucked-up bastard!"

At this moment, someone came out of the bedroom and stepped on to the scene, distracting Seymour's attention. It was good old Harry. 

Harry looked around questionably. "Uh… Oh! it's you! The nice man!" He waved frantically to James.

James considered strangling himself with the telephone wire. 

"You remember me? I'm Harry!"

"How could I forget." James sighed.

"So… have you seen a little girl? Short? Black hair? Around seven years old?"

Seymour raised an eyebrow.

"I haven't seen your damn kid!" James snapped. 

"Oh… Well have you seen-"

James quickly bolted out the door and closed it behind him, locking it with the key. 

Seymour ran to the door. "Hey! Wait! Don't leave me in here with this man!"

James laughed evilly, he had the wonderful feeling that he was losing his sanity. "Why not!? I'll be killing two birds with one stone! A scary pedophilic maniac, and an obsessive compulsive lunatic!"

Seymour sighed. "You know, I could just blow up the wall…"

James snickered. "No you cant! Your in a pixilated environment with extreme physical limits!"

"NOOO!" 

"Yes!" James hissed. He turned and ran down the hallway, far from the angered voice of the pedophile and the ever annoying Harry. He threw open another door and stepped inside. 

"Angelica!" James yelped in surprise.

Indeed, Angelica was laying on the floor in front of an ominous mirror, a toothpick clutched in her hand. 

"Mommy! " She yelled, throwing herself at James.

"Gah! No! We've already been through this!" James squeaked. 

"Oh…" Angelica turned away. "I've been a bad girl mommy."

"James." He corrected.

"James…" Repeated Angelica. "I-I… I just can keep this. Who knows what I might do with it." She slowly approached James and extended the toothpick towards him. When he reached to take it she jumped back in surprise. "NOO! NOOOOO!!! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!!" She screamed the placed the toothpick down on a side table then ran out of the room.

James was scared. 

__

'I wonder what the hell her problem is…'

He picked up the toothpick and noticed a small red stain on the end of it.

__

'…Whatever.'

He pocketed the toothpick and made his way out of the room, back into the never-ending hallways of Woodflank Apartments. This place was really getting to him. It was as if his worst crack-induced delusions were coming to life before his eyes. James was confused. As he wandered absentmindedly, he came across a locked fire escape. Using the toothpick, he managed to pick the lock. But there was no fire escape, just another building a few feet away with an open window. James decided that nothing of use was left behind in the apartments, so he stepped across the opening and into the other building, Green River Apartments. 


	5. May it Be

****

A/N I took me a little while to get this chapter up x_x. Writer's block sucks. Oh, and a big thanks to all the supportive reviewers. ^-^ I love getting reviews, they keep me going. 

****

Disclaimer!: I do _NOT_ own the following things: Seymour, Final Fantasy, Lord of the Rings, Silent Hill, and Harry. I _DO_ own the following thing: every altered parody character in this fic. (James Scanderlund, Angelica, Neddy the horrible wrenching blob, Traffic Cone, ect.) And every parody place (Quiet Hill, Green Creek Apartments, Woodflank Apartments, Poppywater Park, ect.) 

________________________________________________________________________

James looked around the decaying room that he had entered. He found a small, locked, combination safe sitting on a desk towards the side of the room. Knowing how these types of things usually work, he searched for any sign that could help him to find out what the combination could be. His half-ass search led him into the bathroom, were he noticed something clogged in the toilet. 

"Ew, that's disgusting. It looks like someone ate a little too much potato grease at Happy Burger today…." With that, He shoved his hand into the depths of the menacing toilet and ripped out a gunk-covered wallet. ". . . Why would anyone in their right mind do that?" He stared at himself in wonder. This place really _was_ altering his perception. But, thankfully, his hand was still clean. 

"Ah, those physical limits of pixilated environments again… God bless them and all their irritating power." James turned to look at himself in the mirror, checking to see if he was still sexy or something. But, something peculiar caught his attention instead. Something was written across the mirror with a substance that reminded James of eyeliner. The message read:

"James? Where R U? Im still w8ting 4 U. @ our special place. Y R you taking so long? Do U still luv me? Do U h8 me James?" The rest of it ended in a smudge. 

James glared at the message with a look of hatred. This message was sent to plague him, he was sure of it. All this meant was that Marie was still alive. He cursed under his breath and wiped off the message with the sleeve of his jacket.

"Why are you stalking me?!" James yelled out in anger. Nothing responded. A cricket chirped somewhere in the depths of the room. 

"Why must you torment me so!?" … Cricket.

"Stop messing with my head!" Cricket… 

James growled deep within his throat. "I hate you, God damnit!"

Cricket…. cricket… cricket…

"Retarded cricket! I will find you! And when I do, you'll regret being spawned on this plant for the soul purpose of pissing me off!" 

Silence.

…

Cricket.

"ARG!" James ran out of the bathroom and madly searched the area for the defying cricket. Having no luck in his attempts, he knelled down in the center of the room and cried out to the rotting ceiling.

"HAVE YOU NO EMPATHY!" Silence followed; no cricket. James looked around the room slowly, waiting for the creature to chirp once more. Then, the nasally voice of his deceased wife echoed through the room. 

"I love you James"

Her voice was like a whisper, the last syllable rang through the room. The sound of her voice sent a cold spear of fright down James' spine. Shrieking like a pansy, James ran from the room and scrambled out into the hallway. He landed on the floor in a heap and kicked the door shut with his foot. He lay panting for a second the rolled on his side to see a pair of legs before him. James let out a short shriek of surprise and propelled himself backwards. 

"Hi." The man said. James recognized him immediately as Harry. Wonderful. James pulled himself to his feet and brushed the dirt off of him. Harry began to speak but James cut him off.

"Hey, how did you get out of that room?"

Harry blinked in confusion. "Room? What room?"

"You know… the one I locked you in? The one with the extremely fruity insane dude with the hair that you could spot a mile away."

"Oh yeah!" Harry smiled to himself. "he didn't know where my daughter was either. Such a nice man."

"Yeah, so, how did you escape?"

Harry paused to think. "Uhh, well he opened the door and ran. Then I followed him, but I lost him."

"The door was locked." James said flatly.

"We unlocked it."

James narrowed his eyes. "… With what?"

Harry looked around absently then returned his gaze to James. "Say, have you seen my little girl? Short. Black hair. Just turned seven last month." 

James said nothing. He turned and walked away down the dark hall. Harry yelled after him. 

"Hey! You didn't say if… Have you seen a little girl? Short. Black hair. Just turned Seven last month." James began to sprint down the hallway, as fast as he could possibly go. Determined to escape the wrath of Harry, he sharply turned a corner and smacking into something. James stumbled backward and blinked. Once the stars cleared from his vision, he saw the extremely fruity insane dude standing in front of him. And he was pissed, obviously angry at James for locking him in a room with a sad, deranged little man. James let out a squeak of terror and turned to run back down the hall, but Seymour grabbed the back of his jacked and pulled him back. He spun James around to face him and grabbed a hold of his shirt collar. 

Seymour growled. "Did you think that you would get away with it?"

James looked around aimlessly, beads of sweat beginning to form on his forehead. "Uhh… get away with what?"

Seymour lifted James off the ground which caused him to squeak in surprise. "Don't play stupid with me!" James coughed, the toes of his boots swinging inches above the ground. 

"Uhh…" James reached out and poked at one of Seymour's hair stalks. "Who DOES your hair?" James took Seymour's moment of confusion to pry himself free, shove the startled Maester aside and scramble down the hall. He opened the nearest door and threw himself inside, slamming the door behind him. Apparently James had made a bad choice.

Traffic Cone looked up over the body of a dead stripper demon. It slowly stood and stared at James to the best of it's ability without any eyes, that is. James squealed and attempted to escape. He tried the door, but it stuck fast. _LOCKED_! James thought, desperately. He could hear Seymour laughing outside of the door. James turned to face the approaching creature with it's big-ass butter knife of doom. The only other escape route was a stairwell, that was flooded. _Nice._

"Good Lord!" James shrieked to the ceiling. "Smite me! Smite me now and get it over with!" James narrowly sidestepped an attack from Traffic Cone's knife. He screamed and ran to a corner, loading his handgun as quickly as possible. The thing squabbled towards him, dragging Its lethal knife. James yelled out in terror and shot madly at Traffic Cone. He sidestepped another attack and ran to the far corner, shooting again. He pulled the trigger wildly until the only response from the gun was an irritating click the told him to reload. James' expression drooped. He was out of ammunition. 

Snapping out of his shock, he ducked a swing from the heavy knife and ran past Traffic Cone and back towards the other corner.

"Seymour! If I survive this, I'm going to kill you!" Traffic Cone advanced menacingly. James could hear something ringing faintly, it was the sound of music box-style ice cream truck music. He smiled to himself. _I'm a dead man walking, and this gay, mental child music will be my requiem; for I'm about to be murdered by a man who looked like he had a fight with the garbage disposal and lost. _James cackled to himself for the insane, blissful feeling of entering the foggy realm of insanity. 

Traffic Cone stopped in his tracks. He turned abruptly and made a mad dash for the stairs. For some reason, the ice cream pedophile music repelled the monster. James laughed in triumph at the retreating cone-head. 

"HA! Victory for me!" Traffic Cone disappeared beneath the surface of the water. The gay pedophile music stopped and the water magically drained from the stairs. James tried the door again, but it was still stuck. Cursing, he ran down the damp stairs. He found an exit at the bottom. He smiled brightly, glad to escape the apartments. He threw open the door, running out into the foggy air. He climbed down the metallic stairs and practically kissed the road. He noticed something move and looked up towards a tall brick wall in front of him. That little girl from earlier was humming to herself and swinging her legs in boredom. James growled.

"It's you!" He pulled out his handgun and attempted to blow the girls' head off, but was reminded with that annoying click that he was out of ammo. He sighed and lowered his gun. The little girl scowled him. James looked back up.

"What's your name, and why are you here?" 

"Why should I tell you?" The girl responded with the most annoying tone imaginable. James winced at the mere sound of her voice. "Anyway, My name's Lorla."

"But, what are you doing in this place?"

"OMG! What are you? BLIND or somthin'?" James winced once more. 

"Why did you kick my KEY!"

She glared him. "I dunno, MAYBE I did." 

James counter-glared. "Has anyone ever told you that you are the most intolerable brat on this planet?" She looked at a letter in her hands and sneered at him.

"Why should I tell you? You didn't love her anyways!" With that, she leapt off the back of the wall and ran off.

James was confused. "…What?" He shrugged to himself and continued down the foggy alleyway-type-thing. He half expected something gruesome to attack at any moment, so he kept his stripper-killing plank close at hand. About halfway down the road, he became aware of someone singing in a gentle and hypnotizing voice. 

"May it be an evening star

Shines down upon you

May it be when darkness falls

Your heart will be true

You walk a lonely road

Oh, How far you are from home."

A figure of a man became clear to James. He was perched on top of a stone wall with his back leaned up against a nearby building. He wore some odd green and brown clothing with a quiver of arrows strapped to his back. James also noticed two long knives. The man had long blonde hair falling over his shoulders. 

"Mornie utulie

Believe and you will find your way

Mornie alantie

A promise lives within you now.

May it be-"

"Hey!" James yelled out. "I've seen you off of that movie, What was it called… Lord of the… Oh! Your that elf guy! Do you know what the hell's going on? And haven't I heard that song sung by Enya before?" The elf blinked at James in surprise before leaping off into the fog. "NOO! Wait! Ah, screw it." James muttered and continued making his way through the thick fog.

~*~

__

May it be the shadows call

Will fly away

May it be you journey on

To light the day

When the night is overcome

You may rise to find the sun

-

Mornie utulie

Believe and you will find you way

Mornie alantie 

A promise lives within you now 

-

A promise lives within you now 

-

****

A/N Great, now that's stuck in my head. *hums* 


	6. Hospital of Horrors

**A/N **And here is the long-awaited 6th chapter for the Reverse Will. Geez, about time, huh?

**Disclaimer! **I wonder if anyone has ever been slapped with a law suit by forgetting to write a disclaimer. Anyway you know I do not own James or Silent Hill or Yada-yada.

James continued his dismal walk through the fog, clutching to any shreds of sanity he had left. His mind was set solely on his next destination: Poppywater Park. He hoped with all of his heart that he would find Mary there. He had some heavy questioning to put her through. And then, of course, he would kill her and put her out of his life forever. This thought caused James to grin and walk with a new spring in his step. His happiness didn't last long, however. He came to a halt as a rather disturbing noise reached his ears.

_Squealch..._

He quickly grabbed his handgun and held it at attention. The noise was the trademark scuffle noise that the rampaging strippers emitted. James flattened himself against the side of a building; the stripper was just around the corner. He could FEEL it. James suddenly began to hum the theme from the James Bond movies. He peeked around the corner in time to witness the stripper waltz into the arched entrance way into Poppywater Park. Still humming, James stalked after the stripper with all the stealth of a wounded buffalo. Eventually, he followed the stripper until it scuffled into a corner formed where two oddly well-trimmed hedges came together.

James paused behind the hedge, poised dramatically for the kill. He sprang out from behind the hedge, awkwardly imitating someone from the Matrix, and pulling the trigger madly. The stripper turned and stared at him (to the best of its ability), completely unharmed. It was then that James remembered he was out of ammunition. The stripper writhed and pulsated as it bent over backwards and sprayed James with its hormone spray. James squeaked in disgust as he grabbed for his wooden plank.

He brutally smashed the skull of the stripper with the plank and it fell to the ground in a twitching mass. James then drew out the stained toothpick given to him by Angelica, deciding to put it to good use. He prodded the mass of shiny stripper with the toothpick until it no longer moved. Then he continued to prod it anyway because it was oddly amusing. Because of this, he failed to notice the person approaching him.

"Hey... are you alright?"

James looked up from his kill, a bloodied toothpick in hand and a confused look on his face. It was a chick. A woman clad in suggestive pink and red clothing with a leopard print skirt. James was disgusted by this woman. Her very appearance screamed "screw me!" and James just didn't feel up to having a sidekick like that following him around. He stood up from the dead stripper and causally wiped the blood from his hands onto his pants.

"No. No, as a matter of fact; I'm not okay." He pointed at the remains of the stripper. "Do you see that thing? It's not normal! This whole place isn't normal! I have been massacring these things since I arrived here, and they spread like the plague! Not to mention Mr. Have-You-Seen-My-Daughter! He's WORSE then the plague!"

The girl stared, seeming mildly interested. "Well, my name's Maria."

"Well, ya know what?" Mused James as he smiled queerly, "That figures. It figures that I would happen to find you, an almost perfect biological replica of Marie, here of all places in this town. And you have her voice. This must be some evil plot devised from the minds of the game designers who are attempting to foreshadow something. Well, FORESHADOW ALL YOU WANT! YOU'LL NEVER BREAK ME DOWN!" James screeched to the clouds above who never seem to give a shit about his issues.

He paused for a moment. "Oh, and my name's James. Now you can kindly scuttle along and leave me be for I am on a desperate quest for my dead wife."

"James, huh?" She smirked. "Well I'm going to call you Spot. You say you're looking for your wife; I say that she's not here. I know this because I've been all over this park, and have seen no one except for you."

James eyed her carefully; she seemed mentally unstable; just like everyone else in this God forsaken town. He sighed; good fortune would never come to him. He turned to leave the park.

"Hey, wait!" She scrambled after him. "You can't just leave me here."

"Oh yes I can!" said James merrily. "You mean nothing to me. Now go seduce something and leave me be."

"But I'm going to help you find your wife." She said in a particularly whiney voice. James twitched in annoyance.

"I think I know where to go," He said, "She told me that she would be waiting in our 'special place'. I'm pretty sure that she means the hotel now..."

Maria smirked again. "Special place, huh? The hotel... how suggestive. I'll bet it was your 'special place'."

"Rot in hell." James said flatly. After short squabble over which way they should go and how James was now cursed to have Maria follow him around the duo set off into the town.

So James wandered dismally onward with Maria at his heels like a lost puppy. When ever James attempted to run past a stripper Maria would stand there and flail around her arms screaming for him to save her. At other times she would spit out a completely random snotty remark and just overall annoy him. She was just as annoying as the damned little girl.

He wandered aimlessly down roads until he came across a gas station with a running car sitting by a gas pump. James examined the car, hoping that he could use it to run Maria over and make it look like an accident. But alas, the car was going nowhere. Instead he pulled a metal pipe out of the hood of the car and declared it a weapon. Maria pointed out a nearby building.

"Look," she said, "It's Bob's-Bowl-O-Rama. I say that you should go in and check it out for no reason while Maria stands out side and waits... for no reason."

James stared blankly. "You know what? I hate you. You have to have a reason for making me go in there."

Maria paused. "Well, Maria doesn't like bowling and Spot should go in because it's unlocked. That means something."

James winced. "Are you speaking in third person? That's gross. Just don't say anything else to me, okay? I'll go in." He quickly bolted into the place, not planning on reuniting with Maria anytime soon. He ran blindly inside filled with hopes of finding a back exit, but instead he found Neddy the horrible wrenching blob of fat stuffing his face with a particularly greasy pizza. James squeaked.

"Ew, Neddy that's disgusting! How can you EAT in this place? And where the hell did that pizza come from? Something about this is wrong."

Neddy looked up, his pudgy face flushing red. "Are you sayin' that I'm fat?"

"No... I'm just questioning how you can trust food you find in this place."

"Trust no one." Neddy replied flatly. "The truth is out there." He pointed to the back wall of the bowling joint where the obnoxious little girl was playing with a red bouncy ball.

"Neddy, that didn't answer my question. You're insane."

Tears began to slip from Neddy's bulging eyes, his face twisting with emotion. "You're so mean!" He spat, "Just like the rest of them!" With that, the mass that is Neddy repeatedly smashed his face into his box of pizza. Grease and cheese flew everywhere from the dramatic scene as Neddy continued pulverizing the pizza with his face. James backed away slowly.

"Okay..." He turned in time to see Lorla point and laugh at him before running out the back door which conveniently locked behind her. James yelled in anger and frustration as he bolted out the front door, leaving Neddy to his pizza smashing frenzy. James nearly smacked into Maria as he ran out the door.

"Spot!" Maria shouted. "The little girl went that way!" She pointed to a strip club called Heaven's Day. James blinked.

"Why would a little girl run to a strip club?" Then again, why would anything that makes sense happen in this place? James asked himself. He ran over to the strip club and fought to open the back door, which refused to budge. So Maria wanders over and unlocks the door with three keys conveniently hidden in random parts of her body. She smiled at James suggestively. James threw open the door, hitting her with it roughly and on purpose, as he walked inside. The girl was not in here. Maria seemed to be attempting to seduce James rather poorly as she stepped on the strip club stage and jostled around awkwardly. James left the club through the front door and found himself in a different part of town, just in time to see Lorla scamper into a hospital.

Maria ran up to him. "She ran into the hospital! Lets follow her."

James twitched. "Let's not..." James had a deep loathing for hospitals in general. They just scared him, ever since he was a little kid. He really didn't feel like going into that place. He couldn't even begin to imagine how nasty a hospital could be in this town. Eventually, Maria dragged him kicking and screaming into Brookehaven Hospital.

Once inside, James heard something disgusting. Like the sound of a scuffling stripper, only nastier. From around the corner of the dark hospital corridor a white humanoid figure limped towards him. It looked like a bloodied nurse with a bobble head that went through multiple plastic surgeries to the point where its face was unrecognizable. James was once again reminded sickly of Michael Jackson, and then of Janet Jackson but James always had the sneaking suspicion that Michael and Janet were the same person.

Snapping out of his train of thought and back to the current situation James screamed like a terrified child at the sight of the demon Jackson nurse and pummeled it to death with his rusty pipe. He then proceeded to cower on the hospital floor before the double doors.

"Please, Maria, let's go; this place is naaasty!"

Maria smacked him across the face. "Get a hold of your self, you coward! It's not THAT nasty!"

"Yes it is!" He whined, "I hate hospitals! I hate them! AND THESE NURSE MONSTERS ARE SO FREAKIN' NASTY!" He curled into a shivering ball.

Maria kicked James' leg annoyingly until he stood up and gripped reality once more. He wandered into the nurses' office, Maria close behind and sat in the chair, a shivering mess. Something told him that he was going to have ALOT of fun in this particular hospital. He stared at the random bottles of antibiotics, contemplating swallowing all of them to see if he dies or not. Or better yet, he could strangle himself with an I.V. cord.

Once again poor James found himself questioning what he did to piss off God, forced to live on because of the limits in his pixilated environment.


	7. Enter Walter Exit Sanity

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Batman, Robin, or any other characters besides my altered ones.

**A/N: **Greetings, constant readers. I'd like to take this opportunity to thank you all for bearing with me and waiting ever-so-patiently for these chapters. Your reviewing is much appreciated, thanks for everything guys!

OOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOo

James thought that he had fallen asleep in the nurses' office. He must have, this couldn't be happening. One moment, he was in the hospital; the next he found himself in the middle of some urban area. He narrowed his eyes in the twilight and watched as cars zoomed past and random people wandered down the sidewalks. Dream or not, this was pleasant. All seemed, pretty much normal and under control. He wasn't in Quiet Hill, this place seemed more welcoming. To his left, he noticed a sign with the town's name engraved in it. It read:

'_Northsouth Ashfield'_

_Northsouth Ashfield?_ James thought randomly. _That's not even a real direction._ Suddenly, a sound reached his ears; the sound of someone landing on pavement. He looked up and noticed two figures standing on top of a particularly large building. Surprised, he looked around to see if anyone else noticed. Apparently, they didn't; or they just didn't care. James stared deeply at the figures in disbelief, for they were; get ready; Batman and Robin.

James slowly cocked an eyebrow. Suddenly it all came back to him; maybe he shouldn't have swallowed those unidentified pills back in the nurses' office. This was obviously a delusion or some sort of dream. _At least in dreams_, James thought, _nothing can hurt you_. With a smile James cheerfully waved to Batman and Robin; _might as well have some fun while it lasts_.

OOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOo

Batman stared placidly at the figure waving madly at him below.

"HOLY SHNYKIES, BATMAN!" Robin screamed enthusiastically as he pointed at James.

Batman winced at Robin's words and quickly slapped the boy hard enough for the sound to echo. "What have I told you about that?" said Batman with irritation obvious in his voice.

Robin squealed in an oddly feminine way when Batman's hand collided with his face. He then whimpered pathetically. "Not to do it..." he replied sadly.

"There's a good boy." Batman said without missing a beat.

OOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOo

James continued to stare at Batman. Why wasn't he reacting to him? James waved his hands wildly in the air.

"NOTICE MEEEEE!" he screamed towards the sky, frantically waving his arms.

OOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOo

Robin nearly soiled himself in excitement as he pointed at James. "HOLY MAYONNAISE, BATMAN!"

"That's it!" shrieked Batman, turning towards Robin. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR BULLSHIT!!!" Before Robin could react, Batman hoisted him into the air and flung him mercilessly over the buildings' edge. Robin could be heard screaming 'NOOOOOOO!' as he fell to his doom.

OOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOo

James watched, paused in mid frantic wave, as Robin fell out of sight behind another building and presumably splattered on the pavement.

"..."

James allowed his arms to slowly return to his sides.

"That was odd." James turned on his heels and headed in a random direction. He wandered over to an apartment complex and stared at it. Having no idea why he wanted to go in there so badly, he sauntered inside.

Startled, he examined his surroundings. _I just walked into an entrance; shouldn't I be in a lobby or something? _But James was not in lobby, he was standing in the middle of an apartment room. Looking around him, he noticed that the apartment door was chained shut with many padlocks and heavy iron chains. _Why the excessive needs for a fancy door lock?_ James wondered.

Just then, a young man with messy brown hair sauntered down the short hallway connecting the bedroom and bathroom to the living room, talking to himself.

"Well, welcome back, Henry; back to your small sanctuary. Too bad it won't be safe for long. For this level's episode of Peephole Theater, nothing interesting seems to be happening. Let's go see what's on the Eileen channel." He suddenly paused as he noticed James.

"GHOOOOOST! OH MY GOD!" Henry shouted. "I'M TOO FAR TO DIE NOW!"

"Whoa, whoa now!" James said, holding up his hands as Henry lit a candle and waved it menacingly at him. "I'm not a ghost! You are part of my dream/delusion."

Henry stared. "What? You speak lies, ghost boy! Face the wrath of my holy candle of-"

"I AM NOT A GHOST!" yelled James as Henry frantically waved the candle before him. "Your silly candle does not affect me!"

After about 20 seconds this clicked into Henry's paranoid mind as he lowered the candle.

"You mean I wasted my candle for no reason? Damn!"

James indicated the door. "Why did you lock it like that? Are you too good for a normal lock or somethin'?"

"I didn't lock it," replied Henry, "Walter did... I think... Say, how did you get in here?"

"Who's Walter?"

Henry did not respond as he darted towards the door and pulled out a red piece of paper from beneath it. "Oh joy! A note!" He paused to read it. "This note will self-destruct in 10 hours..."

James ignored Henry and instead, messed with the locks on the door. "Do you have any handgun bullets?" He asked.

Henry glanced at James questionably, "Sure, why?"

"I need some." said James flatly as he examined the padlocks. Henry wandered over to his chest containing an infinite amount of items and withdrew from it a box of handgun bullets. James snatched the bullets away from Henry and quickly loaded his gun. He aimed the handgun at the padlocks and shot them off of the door in rapid succession.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" screamed Henry, "You're defying the physical limits of our polygon environment! This is against the rules! Y-you can't do that!" Henry seemed shocked to near hysterics. "I've never been able to get out of that door! I haven't found the keys yet! Eileen is still somewhere in another dimension! I _can't_ just leave like this!"

James kicked open the door for dramatic effect, smiling inwardly to himself. "What's wrong with you, fool boy? Step into the hallway, come on; feel the freedom."

Henry seemed as if his very world had been thrown into chaos and confusion.

"This is so wrong!" he whined as he set foot into the hallway. "You must be some all-powerful entity in order to be able to open my door like that... hey, what's your name anyway?"

James struck a pose with his handgun. "Scanderlund... James Scanderlund."

"Well Mr. Scanderlund, I thank you." With that, Henry dramatically inhaled a breath of freedom air while emotional cinematic music played in the background. He began to walk down the hallway but was immediately intercepted by a dog with a horrible case of mange and a long tube-like tongue that dragged on the floor. James noted that the tongue resembled a proboscis.

James pointed at the mange-infested canine. "I hereby declare you chupacabra." He said with an odd sense of pride. Henry was screaming in terror, paying no attention to James' proclamation.

"They are here too!" screeched the panicking Henry, "They've come for me! That means that ghosts are here too! Oh Gods, will freedom ever be mine!?"

James, having seen worse then the pathetic butterfly dog, stepped forward with his new rusty pipe drawn; eager to try out his new weapon.

"Members of PETA, shield your eyes." James announced as he stepped towards the disturbing dog.

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A few moments later, after much destruction and bloodshed, James conquered the butterfly/chupacabra dog. He stood proudly over his kill while Henry began to go hysteric over a hole that appeared in the wall.

"Look at that hole!" Henry yelled a bit too loudly. "That is a portal that leads to somewhere! Quickly, into the hole!"

"It reminds me of the Seal of Metatron..." James said thoughtfully. Henry leapt into the hole without thinking twice as to where it would lead him. James wondered vaguely if that hole would lead him back to the Hospital in the "real" world. Having nothing to lose, but possibly something to gain, James began to step towards the hole. He was intercepted, however, by a randomly appearing man with shoulder-length light hair clad in a long blue coat. James blinked at him.

"Who are you?" James questioned.

The man raised an eyebrow at the confused James, whom was stained with chupacabra blood. "... Walter Sullivan." He replied. James clapped his hands together.

"HEY!" He shouted with excitement, "I read a document mentioning you in the nurses' office! You're the guy who committed suicide with a spork after you killed those people"

"No..." replied Walter, "That was Alan Rickman. Here's your sign, dumbass. And plus, it was a spoon, not a spork."

"Whatever, spork sounds better." James said, not phased by Walter's words. "Hey! Isn't Rickman the scary teacher from Harry Potter?" He watched Walter head towards the hole. "Where are you going?" Walter paused.

"I'm following Henry and victim 20121."

"Well, that hole probably leads to the hospital in Silent- I mean Quiet Hill, seeing as it is time to end my delusion."

"Delusion?" Walter grinned. "This is no delusion my disturbing friend. You are simply in another dimension."

"Then how do you explain Batman and Robin?" asked James.

Walter looked at James as if he doubted his sanity. "Have you been... smoking something?"

"I don't think so." Replied James thoughtfully. With that, Walter disappeared into the hole. James quickly followed, not wanting to be left alone in the disturbing apartments.

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James found himself back in the nurses' office. He stretched and rubbed his eyes furiously. It had been some sort of delusion, Walter was wrong. The sound of Maria's voice floated slowly towards him. He slowly looked over his shoulder; Maria and Harry were talking to each other, deeply absorbed in conversation. _Birds of a feather_ thought James, vaguely.

Seeing this as an opportunity to ditch both of them, James slunk ever so quiet and carefully towards the door. He carefully avoided crashing into an I.V. and crept through the partially open door into the hallway. Once out of the room, he breathed a sigh of relief. He inched around the corpse of a Jackson Nurse and turned a corner, just in time to see Walter do the same. The sound of a moving elevator reached his ears.

"Walter, wait!" He cried, "You're the only sane person I know! Come back!"

Obviously, James has missed the fact that Walter is a serial killer; and also the fact that Walter supposedly committed suicide, meaning that he should be dead. Nether the less, James took off after him.


	8. Adventures in Brookehaven

**A/N: **Once again, thank you all for the great reviews; they are my life blood. And a great big shout-out to **E.P.O **for reading my story and writing a kick-ass Silent Hill 4 parody. I demand that you read his story or I'll send Walter after you.

Walter: Like hell you will. -wields chainsaw at Hometown-

**Important! **I've noticed a few recent Silent Hill 2 parodies that are strikingly similar to mine. I realize that I may influence people but to use my ideas or descriptions without giving me any credit annoys me. Remember, every time you steal another's idea, Samael kills a kitten. Think of the kittens.

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James Scanderlund turned the corner, expecting to find Walter but instead has was greeted by a waiting Jackson Nurse. James unleashed an unholy shriek as he toppled over backward, his back ramming harshly against the wall behind him. James stood up straight and rubbed his stinging back. The disgusting Nurse monster approached him, a metal pipe clenched in its gloved fist. James quickly reached for his handgun, holding it out at arms' length before him. He pulled the trigger multiple times, wasting the last of his precious bullets. The nurse buckled and fell under the gunfire, its body writhing on the ground.

James delivered a crushing stomp to the head of the nurse, ceasing its spasm. James twitched uncomfortably. These nurses were oddly unnerving, and their creepy 'nurse background music' didn't help either.

Deciding to explore the area, James started to wander down the hall. His boot squished uncomfortably with each step, telling him that a piece of the nurse was stuck to his foot.

"Ah! How dare you soil my good shoes with your disgustingness!" James shouted at the dead nurse who obviously did not respond. He lifted his boot to check, and indeed there was some sort of monster mush stuck to his heel. James scraped his boot on the hospital wall, thick with disgust.

"James..."

James looked up at the sound of his name, yet no one was standing in the dark hallway before him. James slowly lowered his foot to the ground and stood against the wall, not wishing to expose his back to any unseen danger. It came again, this time clearer.

"James...? Where are you?"

The voice was very distinct in James's mind. Then it clicked into place; it was Marie's voice. James sunk to the floor, a hand on his faithful metal pipe.

"Marie? What the hell do you want with me!? WHY DO YOU TORMENT ME SO?!"

To James's complex relief, it was not Marie that rounded the corner; it was the ever faithful Maria. Maria placed her hands on her hips.

"My name is NOT Marie you idiot! I told it's MARIA!" Maria's tone indicated that she was hurt by James's wrong use of names; however she hid it with her pose and glaring stare, waiting for an apology.

"Geez, Maria. Don't have a cow." said James flatly as he stood up, oblivious to her need for an apology.

Maria narrowed her eyes, tears threatening to spill from them. Unable to hold it back, she sniffled.

James stared at her. "Come on, now what's wrong?!"

Maria sniffled harder. "I went and got an important key for you and you can't even say that you're sorry to me!" She held up a key in her hand.

James smirked. "Hey! That's great, give me the key."

"NO!" shouted Maria, clinging to the key defensively. "You're... you're a meanie!"

James glared in annoyance, and then spoke to her in the way someone would speak when trying to convince a small child to do something. "Come on, Maria. Don't be an idiot. We need to get out of here somehow."

Maria sniffed then stared at the key clenched within a death grip in her hand.

"Come on," coxed James, "Give me the key before I force it from you."

Maria shook her head violently then hurled the key at James. "FINE! TAKE YOUR STUPID KEY!" With that, she turned around and bolted down the hallway. She threw open a door and then closed it loudly behind her.

The keys struck James between the eyes and dropped to the floor with a clatter. James cursed and rubbed his forehead. "MARIA! YOU PANSY, GET BACK HERE!" He tore after her, leaving the key behind in the middle of the hall.

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Harry Mason left the nurse's office, closing the door silently after him.

"Maria? James?" He glanced around, not seeing either of them. He stuffed his hands into his pockets and sauntered down the hall. He turned a corner and noticed the key laying forgotten in the hall. Harry scooped up the key and examined it.

Engraved on the key was the word "ROOF". He smiled to himself, this was the not the first, but the second key he found here. The first he key he found in a drain, the word "ELEVATOR" carved in it. Harry considered leaving the roof key for a second before cramming it into his pocket and walking off, whistling the theme from Silent Hill.

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James bolted up the stairs in hot pursuit of Maria. He burst through the 3rd floor door and watched her disappear into the patient's wing. He stumbled over to the door that led to the patient's wing and tried to open it, only to find it locked by a padlock.

James yelled frustration. "WHY, GOD? WHY ME! WHY DOES CRAP LIKE THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME!?"

The thundering voice of God echoed through the cavernous halls:

"There is just something about you that pisses me off."

James stood in disbelief. "Great, now I'm hearing things. And I'm talking to myself!" James turned around to find Harry walking towards him.

"Hi!" said Harry cheerfully.

James wanted nothing more than to drop dead of mysterious causes. "Hi Harry, what the hell do you want?"

Harry beamed. "You're James! I remembered you! Say, I've got something here that may be important." He dug through his pockets and retrieved the keys that he had so proudly found.

"Hey, it's the key!" James exclaimed. "And another key that is probably equally as important. Fork em' over."

Harry paused, looking from his keys to James. "Wait for just a minuet; have you seen a little girl? Short, black hair. Just turned seven last week."

James sighed. "No I haven't, and I probably never will. Now give me the keys."

Harry processed James's words over, unable to accept what he said. "Have you seen a little girl? Short-"

"JUST GIVE ME THE KEYS!" shouted James, beginning to lose his temper.

"Huh... Keys? What's going on with those keys?" said Harry stupidly.

James flung himself at Harry, grabbing a hold of his arm and attempting to pry the keys from his clenched fist.

"RAPE!" screamed Harry. "RAPE! RAAAPE!"

Harry tore away from James, frantic and screaming. He went through the double doors and into the patient's wing.

"You can't do that!" yelled James, "That door is locked!" James pulled furiously at the handle, and indeed the door was locked. James sunk to the floor in defeat.

"Pssst... James!"

James looked up to see Henry leaning around a corner.

"Hey Henry! You're here too!"

Henry nodded. "Yes, but I'm in the wrong hospital. Anyway, the combination to the door is "7339"."

James stood up, a stupid grin on his face. "Thanks! Wait a sec, how did you know?"

"Do not question me," replied Henry "For I am the great Receiver of Wisdom."

James snorted. "That title sounds pretty gay."

"Oh yeah?!" yelled Henry defensively. "Well your last name sounds like an STD!" Henry ran off before James could reply.

"...What's an STD?" James asked the air. He stood still for a quite a while trying to figure out what the letters could possibly stand for before he punched in the combination and skipped down the new hallway. And with his wonderful strain of luck almost all of the doors were locked or broken. When one finally did open, he found a nurse demon sitting on a blood-stained mattress, filing her nails.

James retched in terror. "Vile, disgusting Jackson nurse!" He whipped out his ever-so-handy plank-o-doom and waved it defensively before him. The nurse stared at James, a tear leaking from its scrunched face.

"I try so hard to make myself look pretty!" She said in a gritty, disgusting voice. "And this is the respect I get? I don't even know why I try!"

James stared, vaguely wondering if she was having a severe case of PMS.

"You can talk?" questioned James.

"Of course I can!" She replied, tears rolling down her distorted, bloody face. "And my name is not Jackson! It's Lisa! LISA!" She flung her nail file hard at the rusty tiled floor. "Nobody ever stops to talk to me! I used to be pretty! Nobody appreciates me! The other nurses laugh at me, and to top it off; Traffic-Cone Head dumped me last week and took off with two Mannequin Demon twins!" She sobbed pitifully into her gross fleshy hands.

James, who had not been paying attention, seemed rather entertained by the fact that this nurse can talk. Suddenly he remembered the keys Harry ran away with.

"Hey," said James, interrupting Lisa from her sobbing "Have you seen a grown man? Tall, brown hair; just turned 32 last month?"

Lisa nodded. "Yeah I saw him alright, a few years ago. That sick bastard ran off on me in my time of need! I was disturbed! I had just realized what it meant when Kaufmann said that he was the one who sired Alessa with Dahlia. THAT'S JUST SO SICK! Dahlia is like, 70 years old!"

James blinked in utter confusion. "Hold up a second, are these people important to the plot at all?"

"Kinda," Lisa replied, "But you don't really have worry about it. Lets go find the manifestation of- Oops! I mean, Maria." Lisa smiled to the best of her ability.

James raised a confused eyebrow. "Okie-dokie than, as long as you know where she is."

And so, James wandered down the hallway, following the disturbing nurse girl. Lisa paused in front of a door labeled S3.

"She's in here." Lisa pointed.

James grabbed a hold of the door handle and was amazed to find it unlocked. Triumphantly, he pushed the door open to find Maria lying on a hospital bed.

James walked over to her bedside while Lisa paused in the doorway.

"See," said Lisa "I knew where she was. I also know where Harry is-"

Maria screamed bloody murder at the sight of Lisa and bounded off of the bed. She slammed the door on Lisa with a sickening crunch; blood sprayed through the crack and stained her slutty clothes. James whipped open the door with horror, realizing that his easy path to Harry was in jeopardy.

Lisa lay in a bloody puddle on the floor, twitching spastically.

"Lisa!" shrieked James, "Speak to me!"

"Aye, it is but a scratch." Lisa replied groggily. "A plague! On both houses!"

"You're not making any sense!" James said urgently.

Lisa coughed horribly. "I...I know your secret James... I-It's not what you think... y-you... you don't know... I can tell y-you...."

James, oblivious to what Lisa was trying to spit out grabbed her shoulders and shook her.

"Lisa! Lisa! Where is Harry!? What are you talking about!?"

Lisa shuddered. "Tell... tell Walter that..."

"TELL WALTER WHAT!?" screamed James.

"That... I always thought ... he was sexy." And with that, our beloved yet incredibly disturbing beyond all belief nurse friend died.

"NOOOOOOO!!! WHY LISA WHHYYYY!?!?" James cried to the heavens above and fell to the floor, sobbing like an idiot.

After about two minutes of uncontrollable sobbing James stood back up, completely oblivious as to why he was crying in the first place. Confused, James turned to Maria who was staring back at him in terror.

"What just happened?" She asked, her eyes slowly zoning out.

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Maria whined about being tired and wanting to take some sort of pills. James suspected Valiums. And so, James ditched her in room S3, leaving her to 'rest and take her pills'. He decided that it would be more fun wandering around and killing random monsters without a NPC following him around and getting in the way.

James entered a stairway and walked to the very top. The door to the roof was locked, and James knew that Harry still had those presumably important keys. Furious, James bolted down the rotting staircase and almost tripped over a conveniently placed box of pistol bullets and a health drink. He picked up the items and stuffed them into his pocket which has the amazing ability to hold a 3 ft. plank, pipe, and a handgun without even causing a bulge in his army jacket.

Happy to be once again in possession of pistol bullets, James skipped down the hallway on his search for Harry.

"I'm so pretty! Oh so pretty! Pretty and witty and-"

James ceased his rather toneless singing as he turned a corner to find Harry poking a dead chupacabra/butterfly mange-infested dog.

James; knowing better than to converse with Harry over the matter of his prized keys, drew forth his trusted metal pipe and advanced slowly on the unsuspecting Harry's back. Before James had the chance to give Harry a tempting whack to the head, Harry turned around. James quickly hid the pipe behind his back and smiled quite possibly the most faking looking smile in the history of the world. Being stupid, Harry smiled back.

"Hi!" said Harry. "Have you seen a little-"

"Yes!" replied James, "Yes I have! And I will tell you where she is if you give me those nice keys."

Harry pulled the keys from his pocket. Lines formed on his forehead as he frowned at the keys. It looked as if debating the issue was rather painful for his small mental capacity. James decided to do something before Harry exploded.

"Look!" He shouted, "Something shiny!"

Harry's head shot up with wide eyes like a deer in headlights. "Where!?"

"Over there!" James pointed, "At the very end of the hallway!"

James quickly grabbed the keys from Harry's outstretched hand as he turned his head and strained his eyes to see the non-existent shiny thing. James took off cackling back towards the stairwell; having completed his conniving deed, James felt rather proud of himself.

He bolted up the stairs and paused before the rooftop door. He fumbled the keys in his hand and examined them. One said "ELEVATOR" and the other said "ROOF". James stood in front of the door, pondering vigorously over which key to use. Being the deductive genius that James is, he managed to use the correct key. James stepped out on to the rooftop; the crisp, cold air filling his lungs. James stared at the fog circling the roof which limited his vision to about seven feet. He noticed a cyan colored book lying on the cement floor. He began to walk over to it but was intercepted by someone very familiar.

"Hello James." said Seymour, venom in his voice.

James stared at the fruity man before him, a hand slowly reaching for his gun. "Salutations, Seymour."

The two stared each other down, both ready to kill the other when they were interrupted by the sound of metal scraping harshly on the pavement. James turned to see Traffic-Cone Head standing directly behind him, menacingly, dragging his big-ass butter knife of doom. James released a rather girlish squeal as he dove slowly out of the way.

Traffic-cone advanced slowly towards the confused Seymour and swung his butter knife of doom at him. Fortunately, Seymour was hit with the blunt end. However, there was enough force behind the blow to send him toppling over the side of roof. His last coherent word was "Shit!"

James quickly ran to the stairway door and pulled desperately at it; finding it somehow mysteriously locked, he ran to the elevator control room stationed on the roof and found it locked as well. James screamed and backed up against a chain-link fence. His back pressed against the fragile metal, all that separated him and the long fall through ghastly fog to the non-visible ground below.

Traffic-Cone approached James, ever-so-menacingly; the sound of his big-ass butter knife of doom scraping against the pavement was enough to drive anyone mad. James backed up against the fence as far as possible, begging madly for some magical force to save him. When nothing happened, he whipped out his handgun and shot relentlessly at the creepy creature, wasting his bullets again as this didn't even phase Traffic-Cone.

Traffic-Cone raised his butter-knife of doom over his head. James was sure that he was going to die. He screamed and nearly wet himself as he was thwacked by the dull end of the knife. Shocked from the heavy blow, James toppled backwards through the fragile metal that broke with his weight and out of sight into the fog.

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**A/N**: DUN-DUN-DUUUUN Cliffhanger!


	9. Reality Slips

**A/N: **Yay! I have reached sixty reviews! performs the 60 reviews dance Thanks, peoples, for all of your support. And thanks again for putting up with the ridiculously long amount of time I spend posting these chapters sometimes.

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James was aware of the falling sensation and then completely blacked out as he struck a hard surface that was a bit too near to the roof to be the ground. James vaguely wondered where he was as he attempted to pull himself into a sitting position. Needless to say, he failed and collapsed back to the cold floor of wherever he was. He stayed put, wondering for a while with a dull pain numbing his entire body and his heart beating loudly in his ears.

When he finally clambered to his feet, he took a long look around him. The room he stood in was small, with several doors along the far wall. Deciding he had nothing to lose, he opened the first door and found to his surprise: nothing. The second door he tried proved to be more promising. The small room that the door led to was lined with a squishy mat, the kind that kept insane people from committing suicide. James was suddenly tempted to vault himself against the wall, just to see what it felt like.

The only thing that kept him from fulfilling his temptation was the state of the room. The walls were covered in blood and some sort of disgusting grime. Written in the blood, to James's horror, was the following statement:

'Elmo knows where you live'

James quickly left the room, only slightly disturbed. He tried another door and it opened into a vacant, creepy corridor. James stepped into the empty halls, his footsteps hollow and echoing. He held up his convenient pocket flashlight and examined a map mounted on the wall and encased in glass. According to the map, he was outside the Special Treatment Room on the third floor. Deciding that the map might be something useful to carry around with him, he began to devise a brilliant plan to remove it from its glassy prison.

Unable to find any obvious methods of simply opening the case, James instead reverts into primitive mode as he whips out his plank of destruction. He glanced about the hallways and peeked around a dark corner just to make sure that nobody was watching him; as if someone was going to stop him from breaking something in this place anyway. He then swung his plank with all of his might at glass case. Unfortunately for James, he failed to notice that glass was in fact, plastic. His plank bounced off of the plastic barrier and smacked him in the face with an unhealthy sound. James quickly dropped the plank and clapped a hand over his eye.

"GAH! SHIT! DAMN AND OTHER SUCH COLORFUL WORDS!"

He gently removed his hand from his face, his right eye now turning into quite the impressive shiner. James attempted to examine his black eye in the plastic but found that it did not reflect very well. Angry, James set off down the hallway. He opened the door that led to the patient's wing and decided to check on Maria. He wasn't sure why he bothered; he didn't even like her that much.

When James entered the room he found Maria sitting seductively on the bed. She appeared to be wearing some sort of cheap perfume. James sniffed the air, guessing that the scent was apple cinnamon with a hint of old spice and rose. It was rather disgusting.

"Hey there James" she said, one of her heavily make-upped eyes more noticeably dilated than the other. "Have you come to make sure I'm all right?" She flashed him a nasty grin.

James paused, quite confused over the tone in her voice. "Uh… yeah, sure."

"You're leaving again, aren't you? I'm much too tired to follow you…" She shuffled awkwardly. "Do you wanna tuck me in?" she asked, tilting her head to one side.

James appeared visually disgusted at the thought of touching her. "Hell no! What's wrong with you?"

Maria whined like a little girl before continuing. "It's just…I get so lonely at times. Don't you get lonely James?"

James sighed in agitation. "No. No I don't. I'm fine on my own."

"Then why did you come here looking for your wife?"

James actually had to think about this for a moment. Why did he come here to begin with? Does it really matter that much to him to find out that she's really dead? Did he come here expecting to find her alive? And if he did find her, would he kill her?

"Of course I would." James said out loud, "I hated her, that foul excuse for a human."

'Did you really?' asked a voice in the back of James's mind. Frustrated, James forced the thought out of his head and focused instead on finding the stupid little girl and getting the hell out of the hospital.

"What are you talking about?" Maria asked James, her voice sounding far-off.

"Oh, nothing." He said, having realized that he said something out loud. He turned to leave to the room.

"Hey!" Maria called desperately after him, "What about me?"

"I'm going to find Lorla," said James, no hint of expression in his voice. "And after I do, we'll come and get you."

James left the room and closed the door shut behind him. He trudged along the empty hospital corridors, not quite sure where he was heading. He made his way down to the first floor patient hallway and located a loaded shotgun conveniently left in a room. Taking the opportunity, he snatched it up and stuffed it into his magical never-ending pocket.

He left the room with the shotgun and entered a room labeled C2. He felt his heart jump into his throat as he saw who else was in the room. Lorla sat in the corner between two filthy tables that had been knocked over. She was playing with teddy bears and giggling gaily.

"Hey!" James shouted to her happily.

Lorla turned around and frowned at him. "It's you again. What do you want?"

"Well don't you want me to get you out of here? This isn't a place for a little girl, even a snotty little ass like you."

Lorla looked around at the distorted room. "What are you talking about? Are you stupid?"

James appeared confused but continued anyway. "Look, I'm only saving you because Maria is making me, and the front doors are locked."

"Maria? Who's that?" Lorla asked. "And why would I need saving?"

"Maria is some slutty show girl who's following me around."

Lorla snorted. "I bet that doesn't happen much."

"Shut up you filthy little snot. Now are you going to argue with me or come quietly?"

Lorla gently set her bear down and stood slowly upright. "Alright, but I have a letter for you!"

"For me?"

"Yeah!" She shouted, excitedly digging through her pockets. "It's from Mary."

"Marie? How do you know Marie?"

"It's MarY you dumbass, what else do you not know about her?"

James paused. He was pretty sure that her name was spelled with an 'ie', but then again he didn't know her for very long.

"Well," Lorla continued, "I must have dropped the letter back in that other room. Come on lets get it!" She grabbed James's hand and led him to another room. She stood in the doorway and held the door open as he went inside.

"Okay," he said with a hint of agitation in his voice, "Where is this letter?"

"It's the back," she replied, "In the way back on a desk."

James stepped into the middle of the room. "I don't see a letter. Look, it's not worth it lets just get out of here."

"It's there, it's there!" she cried, "You're not looking hard enough!"

James grumbled to himself and wandered further into the room. The unmistakable metallic clang of a closing door sounded behind him. James quickly wheeled around to face the now closed door.

"Laura!" James screamed as he pounded on the locked door. "Open up!"

"Ha-ha!" squealed Lorla, "I pwned you!"

"Owned?" questioned James, confused by her lingo.

"PWNED!" Lorla squealed in reply.

"Great." James muttered to himself. He suddenly heard a grotesque giggle emit from somewhere behind him. Turning, he spied the most horrifying things ever to taint the earth waddling their way towards him: Teletubbies. Three of them: purple, green, and yellow. James unleashed a pathetic squeal of terror and began to claw desperately at the door.

"Lorla, open this door!"

"You have to say the magic words!" Lorla shrieked tauntingly.

The teletubbies advanced on James, giggling and spreading their arms as if threatening to hug him. Poor James has always suffered from a severe teletubbie phobia. The disgusting nurse demons he could handle, but this was just too much.

"Open up, you snotty little brat!" he yelled as he pounded on the door. Lorla gasped dramatically from the other side, as if James's insult had truly crushed her fragile heart like a sack of peanuts. She sniffled pathetically.

"You," she began, "you fart-face!" With that completely original insult, she scampered away down the hospital hallway sobbing into her hands.

"NOOO!" James called after her as he slumped on to the door, "All hope is lost!" The nearest teletubbie (yellow) reached out its fuzzy arms and enveloped James in a large bear-hug. He wriggled his way free and backed against a wall, gasping for breath. This was it, either fight for his life or fall prey to televised children brain stimulants.

James drew forth his trusty plank and flung himself at the purple teletubbie, bashing it over the head. The teletubbie's head indented then reformed as if made with rubber. The hideous purple teletubbie emitted a high-pitched squeak of fury. It snatched the plank from James and cracked it in half with amazing strength.

James froze, horrified at what he had just witnessed. He dropped to his knees and scooped up the remnants of his plank.

"No…" he choked out, his eyes filling with tears. "My beloved plank, after all we've been through!" He clutched the plank pieces to his chest and held back sobs. "I'm so sorry, I never wanted this. Never!" he cried to the ceiling.

After five minutes of curling up on the floor and sobbing over the loss of his weapon, James stuffed the remains of his plank into his never-ending pocket. He turned towards the teletubbies and glared. Even through this was a sealed room, wind somehow ruffled his hair in order to increase dramatic effect.

"You _bastard_." He growled, pointing at the idiotically smiling purple teletubbie. Drawing out his shotgun, he pumped the cursed thing full of lead. The teletubbie stumbled backwards and lay motionless on the floor. The yellow and green teletubbies gasped in unison.

"You want some of this?" James bellowed, pumping the shotgun. The green and yellow teletubbies exchanged glances and nodded.

"TELETUBBIE BYE-BYE!" They screeched in unison as they both lunged at James from opposite directions. James was instantly squashed in some sort of horrible body-slam sandwich. He crumpled to the floor, defeated and unconscious.

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James awoke to the sound of squeaking wheels. He strained to focus his blurry vision on the ceiling. He was moving in a wheelchair as if someone was pushing him from behind.

"James…" called a dreamlike voice from behind him, presumably whoever was pushing the chair. James was suddenly upright and standing outdoors in an enclosed square-shaped grass courtyard. Confused and disoriented, he turned around and saw no sign of a person or a wheelchair. Extremely confused, James re-entered the hospital to see that it had undergone some heavy remodeling.

No longer was the hospital simply empty and cavernous, now it seemed infested with some sort of great evil. Not an inch of the empty hallway was left unstained by rust and blood. The doors were now covered with what seemed like rotted tarps and some of the walls had transformed themselves into stained metal grating. James stared in horror at his mutated surroundings. Using his amazing brain power, he came to the conclusion that he had been drawn into the universe known as: (dun-dun-duuun!) Alternate Silent Hill.

Now scared to the point of almost wetting himself, James scuttled off quickly into the grotesque hospital. Craving any sort of company, he headed immediately towards where he left Maria. His walking quickly changed into a run as he encountered hordes of bloody nurse demons. He emitted terrified squeaks as he dodged between their stinking, oddly pasty bodies.

He tore off at a sprinting pace through the hallways, desperate to find Maria's room.

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	10. Melancholy Souls

**A/N: **I've been wondering whether to up the rating of this fiction to M or not. I'm convinced that people on the internet read things regardless of the rating, but I don't want to get into any trouble. If my story gets removed I have no easy way of reposting it because more than half of these chapters are saved on my sucky Compaq that went to hell in an Amtrak. Over all, I'm not too worried about it.

Thanks again to all of my supportive constant readers! I'd be nowhere without you.

Thanks to my many reviewers. I'm really glad to hear that you love my little odd-ball of a story enough to expressively state so. I love long reviews, by the way. They give me some interesting light in my otherwise monotone world of daily rituals.

Here's an extra-speciallong post for you guys.

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James had cooled off quite a bit by the time he reached the room where he left Maria. As desperate as he was for company moments ago, he decided instead to search for someone else. Even Harry would make better company then the slutty atrocity that is Maria. James stood outside the door of Maria's room pondering over whether to see if she was there or not. The hellish scenery of the alternate hospital finally forced him to open the door.

Maria was gone. James sighed with relief then suddenly felt a pang of emotion that felt a lot like worry. He snorted to himself. Why should he be worried about _her_? All that she did was follow him around like a lost puppy anyway. James decided that he would be better off wandering around Stephen King's version of a hospital without her annoying presence. He suddenly found himself hoping that she had been devoured by something terrible.

Wandering around aimlessly (and slaying many horrid nurses) James checks each room for any necessary items, because you always have to do this sort of thing in the survival horror genre. He happens across an empty patient room with a dry cell battery on the table. Since James feels an obsessive compulsive need to stuff any seemingly non-important item into his never-ending pockets, he snatches up the battery like a ferret hording shiny things. While obtaining the battery, James discovers something of more importance.

A key sat idly on a scummy desk next to a bed stained with completely random substances. He snatched the key and discovered a small note beside it.

"I dropped my oh so precioussssssss ring in the basement's basement. I want my preciousssss backs but I can never go back theres! Stupid filthy hobbitsis!"

James re-read the note twice before his ferret senses began to tingle and told him that he must obtain the seemingly unimportant Oh So Precious Ring. Examining his newly obtained key, he realized that it was conveniently labeled 'BASEMENT STOREROOM'.

Skipping happily down a bloody demonic corridor, James seeks the elusive stairwell door. On his journey, he finds an interesting memo that reads:

'She is an angel no one knows only

I can see the Lady of the Door

they cannot walk along her Bridge

of Thread they fall from the weight

of their crimes.

Like bloated and ugly corpses

their sins she devours them

sin and sinner alike she saves

me she is an angel.'

The note being unimportant for now, he rounds a corner only to discover a hole in the wall nearly identical to the one that Henry and Walter use to travel about. Deciding to take a quick detour from his basement quest, James leaps into the amazing teleporting hole.

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Two nurse demons shuffle down the hallway and come to a stop where James was just moments ago. One took a long look around before slapping the other across the face.

"Dammit, Betty! I TOLD you he would get away if we kept shuffling so damn slowly! It's always the drama with you!"

This, of course, initiates a nurse demon slap fight.

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James finds himself in a disturbingly womb-like chamber with a large rotating metal thing (seriously, nothing else could better describe it) in the center. A young women with her arm in a sling shuffles awkwardly towards the metal spinner. The thing that has James's attention, however, is the ginormous crucified corpse suspended in the back. The most disturbing part was that the corpse was wiggling and screeching. James writhed in disgust.

Walter stood before the crucified thing with Henry confronting him.

"You're freakin' crazy!" Henry screamed at Walter, who was caked with blood.

"Mama!" Walter exclaimed, staring at the ceiling, "It's almost time! I'll be with you soon enough!"

"Hmm… a mother-obsessed villain," James spoke aloud, "This reminds me of Sephiroth, that momma's boy."

Henry turned to see James, startled by his presence only to witness a huge flock of Sephy Fangirls (and a few Fanboys) tackle James to the ground.

"James!" Henry yelled, "Save Eileen!"

James wiggled beneath the might of the Fangirls, screaming for mercy while Eileen waddled dumbly towards her metallic fate. Walter's most annoying laugh ever echoed through the room as Henry proceeded to pull THE MOST disturbing thing a Silent Hill protagonist ever carried in his pocket: an old dried-up umbilical cord.

Walter stared at the cord, a look of violation upon his face. "Good lord! That's nasty!"

While Walter was sidetracked, Henry looked from the cord to the crucified monster. "I can't use this item here." He concluded. After coming to this conclusion a few more times Walter became bored with Henry and proceeded to attack him with a handgun. Henry finally flung the umbilical cord at the giant crucified monster causing pretty much nothing to happen.

James struggled beneath the massive mob of Fangirls, barely able to breathe. He heard the sounds of multiple gunshots and the cries of the injured crucified thing. He then heard a disturbing grinding noise as Eileen finally waddled straight into the metal thing; dumbass.

As James finally threw the last Fangirl off of him he witnessed Walter fall to the floor defeated. The crucified monster now had twelve spears protruding from its chest and was presumably dead. Henry stared at Walter's dead body, then to the metal grinding thing.

"Eileen…" He choked out. He suddenly cried out in pain and collapsed on the floor going limp instantly.

James strides towards the two dead men leaving behind the pile of exasperated Fangirls.

"What the hell just happened?" He cried out, not realizing that he just witnessed the final battle in which someone received a bad ending in Silent Hill 4. Knowing that he would never know the answer, he loots Henry and Walter's dead bodies stealing much ammunition and health items. He then scampers happily out of the disturbingly womb-like chamber and back into his regularly scheduled program.

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James randomly decided to check the Day Room as he wandered past. Prying open the rusted door, he takes a look inside. The room was heavily padded much like the squishy walls in a psycho ward. Unable to resist the temptation, James vaults himself into the nearest unstained wall. He bounces off of the squashy material and lands sprawled on the equally squashy floor.

"Woo!" He squealed with childish glee, colliding with the wall a few more times. About the fifth time he hit the wall and landed on his back on the unnaturally squishy floor he found to his astonishment a refrigerator randomly lying in the middle of the room. He pulled himself to his feet and examined the fridge. Coming to the conclusion that something very important must be in that fridge, he proceeded to attempt to open it.

He clutched the oddly cold handle and tugged on the rusty excuse for a refrigerator, yet found that he was unable to open it.

"Holy crap." He mused, staring at the fridge "Even I with my almighty awesome studly-ness have failed to open this fridge!" His brain unable to comprehend the message, he forgets the refrigerator altogether and abandons the Day Room in search of greener pastures.

James managed to locate the stairwell and jogged ungracefully down its steps. At the very bottom of the stairs he located a locked door. James withdrew the key from the mysterious depths of his pocket and looked from the key to the locked door back and forth several times. He grins slyly to himself as he unlocks the door then squeals in surprise as the key spontaneously combusts after he uses it.

"Why do they always disappear?" he wondered as he proceeded through the now unlocked door.

James entered the creepy-ass yet very small basement and noticed a shelf propped against a wall. The shelf wouldn't have been so interesting if it didn't have hand prints of blood all over the side of it. James leaned against the corroding wall and stared behind the shelf. He could faintly see the outlines of a hole. Somehow a man who just had physical problems opening a refrigerator moved the heavy shelf with ease. Just as James was about to go down the ladder he revealed, the door burst open and he nearly wet himself with terror.

Maria came sliding into the room, her face still caked with the horrible slut makeup that never seemed to wear off even as she trapezes around this place.

"James!" She shrieked in her voice that highly resembled Mary's. James flinched with disgust. "You son of a bitch, why did you just leave me like that!"

James recoiled. "Huh? I went right back to you and you had wandered off! Anyway your slutty ass is still alive so what does it matter?"

"'Anyway'!" she yelled in return, clearly appalled, "What do you mean 'anyway'? I could have been killed!"

"Shame." James replied monotonously. "Besides, look at yourself. You're just asking to be killed or raped or something. Why are you following me in the first place?"

Mary sobbed. "All you care about is that dead wife of yours!"

"Huh?" He asked, confused at her lack of an easily digestible response.

Maria suddenly flung herself at James, embracing him tightly and crying. "Why didn't you come to save me?"

James twitched at her horrid attempt of affection and shoved her away. "I didn't know where the hell you were, okay? It's a damn shame you didn't get eaten by something nasty."

Maria seemed to not take in the last part of his response and sniffled, wiping the tears from her eyes. "Just promise that you'll never leave me alone again."

"You're the one who wanted to be left alone in the first place, wanted to take your meds." James continued to mutter under his breath as he proceeded down the ladder.

He found himself in a small square room with a shiny copper ring resting on the hideously textured floor. He plucked the copper ring from the bloody muck it rested on and wiped it off on his jacket. He stared at his own reflection in the extra shiny Oh So Precious ring, clearly captivated by himself. He then shoved it into his vortex pocket and climbed back up the ladder where Maria awaited him nervously.

James exited the room and jogged back up the stairs, Maria hot on his heels. He threw open the stairwell door to the third floor and glanced around in case a nurse demon waited to pounce on him there. When no attacks came or the trademark sound of the nurses slow shuffling, James entered the third floor patient wing.

Waiting for him in the patient wing were two nurse demons, one of them you may recognize as Betty from earlier.

Betty points at James and gurgles incoherently which I can translate to "There they are Martha, Charge!"

The two demons then shuffle slowly and dramatically towards James, each bearing a pipe-like weapon. James screams like a girl at the sight of the nasty nurse zombie things. Maria suddenly decides to be of more use and puts her attributes to the test. She walks down the hall swinging her hips dramatically and attempts to distract the nurses by awkwardly seducing them.

Betty then gurgles and shrieks in monster language: "Sorry chick, I don't bend that way." Betty swings her pathetic pipe at Maria and slams her foot. Maria cries out in pain and severely exaggerates her wound.

"Oh James! James, please help me! I think they've killed me!" She then falls to the floor and cries like the cheap prostitute she is. James laughs at her misfortune before seriously deciding to destroy the nurses because, well… they're creepy. He reaches for his trusty wooden plank when he suddenly remembers that the teletubbies destroyed it. Filled with the full shock of his loss, James is unable to react. He slides slowly to the floor, his eyes wide and filling with tears.

He sniffs. "My plank….I can't believe you're really gone forever." He wipes the sleeve of his jacket across his face. "You were so young and full of life, there were still so many more monsters for you to slay!" Tragic sting orchestra music begins to swell in the background as James pouts. He rises to his feet and shakes his fists at the rotting ceiling. "Damn you teletubbie! I will find you! And when I do, death will come slowly and painfully!"

James hangs his head in defeat. "Why God, why? What did I do to deserve your wrath?"

God obviously doesn't answer, because there's just something about James that pisses him off.

The two nurses, Betty and Martha, stare at James as he continues his angst fest.

"Ummm…" gurgles Martha in monster speech, "He's not supposed to do this, is he?"

Betty stared long and hard at James. "It's not really fair that we kill him now," she adds in a whispered tone, "he just lost his plank."

Martha shakes her head in sympathy before they both turn and shuffle away.

"So," started Betty, "Have you seen ole Traffic-Cone Head around here? That two-timing jerk owes me a dollar."

Maria continues to sob over her foot which no longer hurts. She realizes that the nurses have disappeared and she proclaims herself victorious. She scrambles to her feet and strides slyly over to James who wipes the tears from his eyes.

"There, there honey. It's okay, it'll be alright." Maria says in a disgustingly soft voice as she attempts to comfort James. She puts a hand on his shoulder and he quickly thwacks it away.

"No touchie. Wait, I was upset over something?" His single-tracked mind goes into overload as he attempts to understand what's going on. "Oh well, lets us continue. I must avenge my plank."

James pressed the elevator call button in the now empty patient hallway and was surprised when he heard the sounds of an approaching rickety elevator. As the elevator took it's sweet time, James stared into the abyss of the now grate-covered walls. He began to wonder what sort of dimension this hospital had been drawn into Assuming that this question would be answered at some point in his desperate quest, he presses the matter no further.

The elevator doors screech open and James boards the seemingly unsafe structure with Maria close behind him. The doors shut noisily as the elevator begins it's wobbly descent downwards.

Suddenly, an annoying static sound began to blare from nowhere. James glanced about the elevator, searching for the source of the defiant static. He suddenly remembered the radio that he had destroyed way back in the beginning of his journey. The static sounded just like the noise the old radio had emitted.

Proud of himself for remembering details, James smiles widely.

"Uh…James?" said Maria slowly.

"Yes?"

"Where did that radio come from?" She pointed at blocky radio enthusiastically blaring static on the floor. James stared at it in terror.

He pointed and shrieked "Phantom radio! You have returned to haunt me!" He snatched the radio from the floor and was about to hurl it against the elevator's wall when it suddenly began to speak.

The radio had somehow picked up some sort of game show signal. A man's voice with a prominent lisp could be heard.

"Welcome once more to another fabulous round of Trick or Treat!" The audience roared in the background as cheesy music began to play.

"Tonight we have a _special _guest," continued the lisping man, "James Scanderlund!" The audience roars. James stares at the radio with a look of mixed horror and surprise on his face.

"Now as we all know, Mr. James has to answer THREE questions and get them all correct in order to collect his _special _prize! But get them wrong, and BOOMBACHOWSPLATGRINDAAAARRRRGGHHH! Ha ha ha, isn't that FABULOUS?"

James dropped the cursed radio and backed into a wall far away form it. Maria stared dumbly at it as if nothing peculiar was taking place.

"Now James, are you ready to play Trick or Treat?" The audience roars. "Fabulous! Lets get on with the questions, shall we?" He clears his throat.

"Merry-Go-Round, haunted house, roller coaster, ferris wheel and tea cups. Quiet Hill is home to a _fabulous_ amusement park that both children and Michael Jackson love. The question is: What is the name of this amusement park?

One, Quiet Hill Amusement Park;

Two, Neverland Ranch;

Or three, Lakeside Amusement park?

"Marvelous, now to question number two. Quiet Hill witnessed a gruesome murder a few years back. A brother and sister were playing in the road when they were attacked and chopped into PIECES with an AXE. Torn flesh, smashed bones, splattered blood, and finally..." The sounds of the lisp man vomiting could be heard as the audience screamed.

The man continues, "What gruesome end to such innocent lives. What was the name of the murderer who committed this vile act?

One, Walter Sullivan;

Two, Mickey Mouse;

Or three, Mr. T?

"On to the next and final question. Is the hokey-pokey _really_ what it's all about? If you think you know the answers, head to the store room on the third floor; but you better be right or AAAARRRRGGHH! Muahahahahahahahahaaa! Oh, and keep the radio with you this time you imbecile" The audience applauded as the radio hissed then died. James stared at the radio with wide eyes.

"What was that all about?" Maria asked, as if James knew. James pocketed the radio without questioning it. The elevator slowed to a stop and then opened allowing James and Maria to escape.

"Ya know," mused James, "The elevator sure took a really long time to go down one floor. James spontaneously remembered the refrigerator in the Day Room that must have something important in it; otherwise it wouldn't be there, would it? Happy with his reasoning, James heads to the Day Room and pries open the doors once more. He heads over to the fridge and flexes his muscles before gripping the handle and pulling with all his might. The door still did not budge.

"Oh come on," sighed Maria, "You want me to help?"

"No," heaved James, "You're just a girl, what are you going to do with that pitiful excuse for muscle mass?"

"Humph!" Maria gripped the handle of the fridge and they both pulled in unison. This time, however, the door opened easily.

"Now that doesn't make any sense." Said James lowly, staring into the fridge, "I hope this doesn't mean anything symbolic or some crap like that."

Maria reached into the fridge and pulled out a heavy lead ring with a scull engraved in it. "Huh, not very CUTE is it? Not cute like you. Here, you take it." She drops the ring in his palm.

James smiles quirkily, "Thanks! Hey, were you trying to hit on me? That's just pathetic; you have more of a chance with Traffic-Cone Head." He stuffs the ring in his pocket and leaves the room, Maria following gloomily behind him.

He re-enters the elevator and rides it back up to the third floor. This time, the ride only took about a whole three seconds. James was heading towards the storeroom to claim his game show prize when his radio began to blare static again in an attempt to warn James of an approaching monster. Angry, James was about to destroy it when a nurse demon (recognizable as Martha) lurched at him from an open doorway. It gurgled and shrieked as blood ran down its oddly shiny skin and its head jerked from side to side. Mortified, James whipped out his brand new shotgun and loaded it with ammo he stole from Henry.

The nurse swung its pipe at James and struck him in the chest. Winded, he gasped and stumbled backward. Maria continued to stand behind him being useless, as usual. James quickly cocked his shotgun and pressed the barrel against the chest of the demon. He squeezed his eyes shut and pulled the trigger. A massive spray of blood guts and mucous expelled from the nurse, splattering both the walls and James. The nurse fell over instantly and convulsed in a growing puddle of its own body fluids. Disgusted, James squashed its/her face in with the heel of his boot causing a sickening crack to echo through the halls. The foul demon lay dead.

James made a squeaking noise of displeasure as he wiped nurse guts off of his favorite army jacket. Maria stared at him, havening been shielded by James's body she remains unstained by nurse fluids. James kicked Martha's body out of the middle of the hall and continued casually on his was to the storeroom. He pulled the door open and stepped lightly inside the small room, expecting something to attack him. When nothing happened, he explored the room.

An elaborately decorated black box sat on a small table. James examined it and found it to have three rows of three buttons. Each row was labeled 'one' 'two' and 'three' respectively. Having linked row one with question one on the game show, James poked in the third button. He knew the name of the amusement park; in fact he could never forget that place. His wife would always insist on going there and force him to ride that terrible merry-go-round.

For row two, James pushed in the first button. Killing two small innocent children sounds like something Walter would do. And for the last row, James pushes the third button; hoping that's what the hokey-pokey is all about. The box clicks and springs open. Beside himself with pride and joy, James loots much ammunition and health recovery items from the box. He leaves behind the bottle of alcohol, a cloth, a full box of matches, explosive charges, a working radio, and a can of Pringles.

Maria peers into the box, her brain working at a very fast pace. "Hey, aren't these things important?"

James looks into the box again. "Yeah, you're right." He grabs the Pringles and exits the room.

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James wanders into the 3rd floor patient wing once more and heads towards the stairwell door. Where there should be a door, a painting of a women looking very much like a religious figure covered the area. The disturbing part of the painting was that her hands, instead of being flat, were three-dimensional and jutted out of the wall; the Lady of the Door.

James withdrew the special rings he gathered earlier and slid a ring on each hand. Something clicked and the painting swung open like a door. James was amazed at how genius he truly was. Grinning, he jogs down the stairwell with Maria in tow. Maria stops on a landing and plucks a piece of paper off of the floor. She reads it then chases after James.

"James! Hey, James! This might be important." He snatches the paper from her and reads what it has to say:

'I took the direckters's key - the

one to the mooseum. I hid it

behind the preying woman when

I went out for the day trip. I

picked it up but I did not steal

it. I'm not a krimminal.'

Deciding that this might actually be important, James stuffs the stained piece of paper into his amazing pocket and opens the door at the bottom of the stairwell. Maria sticks close behind James, proud of herself for having uncovered something of value. She leans out form behind him and stares down the long corridor.

They have entered into a narrow hallway with walls and floors consisting of metal grates and decaying drywall. The hallway appeared to turn a sharp corner further down. Unhesitant, James strides down the hall. Maria followed him then slowly turned as she felt a presence behind her.

Red Traffic-Cone Head had appeared out of nowhere. Maria screamed and clutched James's arm. He turned around and screamed as well, his voice almost matching Maria's in frequency. Traffic-Cone stared piercingly forward at James, although you couldn't see his face through the large rusted, metal cone clamped about his head. Traffic-Cone ditched his big-ass butter knife of doom in favor of a more lightweight weapon; the new big ass toothpick of doom. Mortified, James turned and sprinted down the narrow hall.

Maria called after him and ran as well, although not as fast in her slutty boots. She watched desperately as James increased the distance between them. The sound of Traffic-Cone Head running as fast as he could after her got her adrenaline pumping. Now crying, she ran after James blindly, smacking into many walls.

"James! Jaaaames!"

James had reached the end of the hallway and pressed his back against an elevator frantically stabbing the call button. He watched as Maria rounded the corner with T-Head hot on her prostitute heels. The doors opened behind him and he quickly leapt inside. The doors suddenly began to close as Maria approached; she reached the elevator as soon as the space between the doors was less than a foot. Screaming, she attempts to force the doors open. James began to flip out as he frantically pressed the 'doors open' button in an attempt to save Maria.

"James!" She cried out. Her sounds were suddenly cut off as James witnessed the big ass toothpick impale straight through Maria as if she were a shish kabob. Her hand went limp and released the elevator door. James stared in horror as her blood began to flow into the elevator.

"Arg! Well at least I tried!" he kicked Maria's hand out of the closing doors in fear of her blood staining his precious army jacket. The doors closed shut and the elevator began its descent. Shocked, James leaned his back against the doors and slid to the floor.

"Holy crap, what just happened?" she muttered, staring at his boots. "Did she just _die_?" After a few more silent moments James lets out a happy victorious squeal.

"YES! She died and I didn't even have to do anything! YAY! No more dysfunctional whore following me around like an ugly lost puppy!" The elevators doors opened and James strutted happily into the first floor reception area of the hospital. Humming, he opens the door to the Director's room and finds a map of Quiet Hill on the cluttered desk.

A house was circled on the map and the following words were scrawled:

'He who is not bold enough

to be stared at from across

the abyss is not bold enough

to stare into it himself.

The truth can only be learned

by marching forward.

Follow the map.

There's a letter and a wrench.'

James shrugged and decided to check out the area with the letter and the wrench; you never know, the wrench could be shiney. He circled the house on his own Quiet Hill map and looked out the window just in time to see Lorla skipping merrily down the street.

"Lorla!" he snarled, "Stupid little girl is the reason why I came in this horrible hospital! And, she trapped me in the room with the teletubbies!" James remembered the teletubbie that broke his plank. He would never forget his loss, no matter how hard he tried. Filled with a new determination to capture Lorla, he leaves the hospital or horrors, never to look back.

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Traffic-Cone head meanders up the twisting narrow hallway, leaving Maria's worthless dead body behind. He sighs to himself as he turns the handle to the stairwell then steps backward in surprise as Betty the hideous nurse demon assaults him.

"Hey, you!" she shrieks in monster lingo, "You still owe me that dollar I lent you!"

T-Head snarls inside his metallic cone. "Hey I paid you that dollar, bitch! Get off of my case!"

"You most certainly did not! I would remember!"

T-Head rubs his metallic cone mask with his white gloved hand. "Look, I'm a very busy man. I know I paid you that dollar. I have work to do and I can't miss that dinner with the mannequin twins again or they'll kill me, so get the hell out of my way before I skewer you."

Betty sobbed, "I never meant anything to you, did I?"

"You're right! Worthless excuse for a demon!Now go make your useless ass useful and attack James some more." T-Head shoves her out of the way and continues up the stairs, muttering about how over-worked he is leaving Betty to sob quietly in a corner.

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	11. Conquer thy phobia

A/N: Yes, I do realize that I switch between past and present tense A LOT. I just do that, as much as I try to stay in past tense. I'll pay more attention to that this time.

**BTW**: This chapter is just a bit more serious than the others. Sorry bout that, but it couldn't be helped. Don't worry; the rest of the chapters will be lighter in tone. ;) except maybe for the exciting conclusion.

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James stood on the steps directly outside the hospital. The world had gone dark, it was either nightfall or the whole town had been sucked into the alternate reality. Whether it was night or not, the town was still blanketed with a thick layer of ivory fog. James stood still in the crisp air and stared solemnly at the cracks in the cemented steps.

"Maria's dead," he reminded himself mentally, "and there was really nothing I could do, was there? No guilty conscience here, huh?" he grins thinly, "Well Lorla has run off somewhere. I should probably find her and beat the snot out of her for locking me in the room full of teletubbies. Mary… are you really here? What do you want from me? Why does all of this shit have to happen to me?" He finally begins to realize that things are not as they seem here. Maybe, just maybe he isn't thinking straight. Forcing the confusing montage of questions out of his head, he saunters down the stairs and into the fog.

"I'm going to find Mary and settle this once and for all."

He headed east into the empty town, making his way toward the place the strange map he found had indicated. He came to a dead end on the street he was following.

"Damn it…"

A nasty gurgling noise sounded from behind him. Startled, James turned around to face a familiar monster that he hadn't seen in a while. A straight-jacketed, burned stripper shuffled down the road towards him. James couldn't help but smile at its disturbingly comical appearance. The smile immediately ceased as the stripper bent over backwards and released a putrid hormone spray from its abdominal region. James staggered backwards, choking on the spray.

"Bitch, please!" He whipped out his shotgun and blasted the stripper into oblivion. Satisfied, he turned to further investigate the dead end.

The road was blocked off by a large chain link fence. Yet close examination revealed a gate-like door. James pushed the gate open and found himself in an alleyway; yet instead of a concrete floor he appeared to be standing on grating suspended in mid air. Strolling along the walkway of grate, he heard something strange; which to him is actually normal now.

It sounded as if people were walking down the grates towards him. He stared into the dark abyss, waiting to see what was approaching. When the sound came dangerously close he noticed that the things weren't on top of the grates; they were swinging happily along under them. When the things swung into the range of his flashlight beam he yelped in terror.

What were now approaching him were things that had terrified James ever since he was a small child: monkeys!

He screamed rather girlishly in horror as he recalled terrible childhood memories. Not bothering to kill the monstrosities, he ran along the grating path not unlike an uncoordinated ballet dancer as he tried not to touch the grating as much as possible. He finally reached a stable cement platform that lead to another chain link fence door. He doubled over and panted from the effort it took to run there. Having caught his breath, he merrily traveled through the chain link door; happily leaving the horrid monkeys behind him.

Beyond the chain door was a sight quite familiar to James. The abandoned motor home that he had discovered near the beginning of his journey sat quietly along the side of the road illuminated by a lone street lamp. The whole are was silent, not a monster in sight. However, the range of sight was about thirty feet due to the thickness of the fog. James neared the motor home, his footsteps echoing strangely. There was probably nothing important in there, but James felt the need to investigate just the same.

He pried open the cold white door and stepped inside. Much to James's dismay, he was not the only one in there.

"Hello!" Harry called out, enthusiastically waving at James from the deteriorated sofa. "We just keep bumping into each other, don't we?"

"Yeah…" James breathed out, his voice thick with annoyance. He placed a hand to his forehead and rubbed his temples in order to stifle the impending migraine. "Have you found your damn kid yet?"

"Nope, but I'm still looking. I'll never give up! One of these days, someone here is bound to have seen my little girl."

James found himself almost admiring Harry's blind determination.

"Say James, have you seen my little girl? Short, black hair-"

SLAM!

James sped out of the motor home and shut the door fiercely behind him. Harry stared at the spot where James had been only seconds ago. He hoisted himself off of the sofa and pulled open the door to witness James sauntering away into the mist.

"Hey James," Harry yelled after him, "Keep clear to the moors!"

James stopped and looked over his shoulder. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Harry thought hard for a moment, his brain threatening to implode. "I guess not very many people have seen that movie."

James raised an eyebrow at this. "Huh…?" The radio in his breast pocket began to hiss and sizzle.

"Huh…radio?" Responded Harry completely losing track of the conversation, "What's going on with that radio? Have you seen-?"

"You're completely insane!" James cut him off, "I thought I was bad with all of these delusions and stuff, but you're worse off then I am! At least I have a shred of something resembling sanity! Don't you realize that you've asked me that question about 20 times now? It's fucking annoying!"

Harry stared at James wordlessly as an awkward silence ensued, the radio still blaring static.

"I'm wasting my time with you." growled James, turning on the spot and continuing down the street.

"Bye then!" Harry yelled happily and withdrew back into the motor home.

"Idiot…" James hissed.

The static emitting on his radio began to increase in intensity. James turned it off, becoming annoyed with its ungodly screeching. As he approached the indicated spot on his map where a letter and a wrench are supposed to be, he noticed a figure looming in the fog. The figure was tall and chunky, and appeared to be standing on the porch of a house. As James neared it, he spotted two more figures identical to the first standing beside it. James' insides seemed to turn over as a break in the fog revealed the monstrosities.

Teletubbies, the three of them were standing mockingly before James's destination. Purple, yellow, and green; the purple one seemed to be sporting shot gun wounds across its horrid body. James's phobia began to spark in his mind once more, however the rage of losing his plank was more powerful than his fear of children's televised brain stimulants.

"You sick bastard." He snarled, pointing at the purple teletubbie. "I thought I killed you."

As a reply, the teletubbie giggled in a sickening childish way. It pointed back at James causing the green and yellow teletubbies to advance toward him as if ordered to attack. James realized that if he wanted the letter and the wrench, he would have to do battle with his deep imbedded fears once more.

"Bring it." James hissed while cocking his shotgun. He raised his gun to the face of the yellow teletubbie and blasted it. The sick creature was hurled backward and landed on its back, flailing. He then turned his shotgun on the green one; however it was much too fast and enveloped him in a crushing bear-hug before he could pull the trigger.

The heavy scent of baby powder, milk and honey overwhelmed James's olfactory system as his face was squished into the teletubbies' thin fur. He struggled to wiggle out of its death grip, the suffocating scent wearing him down. At last he managed to drive his elbow into the creature's gut, causing it to squeal and release James. The green teletubbie doubled over, clutching its stomach as if winded. It immediately flew through the air and crashed on to the sidewalk as James blasted it twice.

The yellow teletubbie regained itself and charged at James, threatening to tackle him. James quickly sidestepped its attack and filled its back full of lead. He paused to reload the shotgun.

The purple teletubbie stood silently watching its comrades battle James. It giggled sickeningly, enjoying the show.

The green teletubbie rolled over to James's feet and crashed into him, sending him flying. He hit the cold pavement laid there dazed for a moment. He raised himself to his knees and looked frantically about for his shotgun. Just as he located it lying a few feet away the green teletubbie lifted him off of the ground and squeezed him in a hug of death.

James choked, unable to breathe. The world around him seemed to swim as his lungs burned for air. He reached his hand into his pocket and felt around desperately for a weapon. Clutching at a small pointed object, he pulled it out and drove it into the teletubbie's fat stomach. It screeched in a high pitched voice, dropping James. He sat on the pavement for a moment drawing in long breaths of precious, life giving air. He turned around to see what he stabbed the teletubbie with.

The green teletubbie flailed helplessly around, trying to reach the toothpick jabbed into its belly. Unfortunately for it, its arms were too short to reach the bloodied object. James grinned evilly at the flailing beast as he remembered the toothpick that Angelica had bestowed him with. He crawled across the pavement and clutched his shogun. Rolling over to his back he aimed at the green teletubbie and pulled the trigger.

In a dramatic spray of blood, the monster fell backward in slow motion. "Noooo!" it screeched as it hit the pavement. It thrashed for a moment in a pool of its own blood before lying still. "Tele…tubbie…bye-bye…" it managed with its dying breath, the glint of life disappearing from its eyes.

The purple and yellow teletubbies gasped in unison and stared for a few moments at their fallen comrade. James snickered then burst out into fits of insane laughter. He staggered to his feet and laughed at the dead teletubbie while the other two stared in horror. In a poof of sparkles the purple and yellow teletubbies teleported away, leaving James alone with the dead teletubbie.

At last James ceased his maniacal laughter. He beamed at himself, proud of his accomplishment. "I have defeated my phobia!" he announced to no one in particular.

"Good for you," the voice of God boomed from seemingly nowhere, "but you still piss me off."

James muttered incoherently as he pulled the toothpick from the dead teletubbie and stuffed it back into his pocket. He sauntered over to the house closest to him. On the front porch were an envelope and a wrench. Ferreting away the wrench into his pocket, he opened the letter and read it:

_Perhaps you are a fool._

_The truth usually betrays people._

_A part of that abyss is_

_in the old society._

_The key to the society_

_is in the park._

_At the foot of the praying_

_woman, inside of the ground,_

_inside of a box._

_To open it, I need a wrench._

_My patient buried it there._

_I knew, but I did nothing_

_Because I knew he was retarded._

_And plus the key really creeps me out._

_I really saw that thing._

_I ran like a scared pre-pubescent child,_

_but the museum was sealed as well._

_Now no one dares to_

_approach that place._

_If you still do not wish to stop,_

_James,_

_I pray to the Lord to have_

_mercy on your eternal soul._

James reread the letter once more. The last part of it was the most unnerving to him. After safely tucking the letter into his designated memo pocket he headed towards Poppywater Park. He stopped on his merry trip and decided to take a detour into Neely's Bar. Closing the rickety door behind him he peers around the room as his eyes adjust to the darkness. On the far wall was a message written in what appeared to be blood.

_If you really want to FIND Mary,_

_You should just DIE!_

_But you might be heading to a Different place then MARY, James._

James glared at the wall, and then began to yell at it. "I don't just want to FIND her, I want to kill that worthless wench of a wife!"

The writing changed.

_Do you?_

"Yes!" Shrieked James, "why else would I be here? Why else would be going through this demented nightmare if not to kill Mary!"

The writing changed again.

_You're a sinner, James._

He stared at this. "So? Is that why I'm in this town? Because I've sinned! What a pathetic reason! I came here to cleanse my life forever of the filth that is Mary! That is all!"

The letters faded and were replaced by more.

_There was a HOLE here, it's gone now._

"Go to hell." James told the wall before leaving the bar. He stood in the misty street, wondering why he had been questioning his motives so much lately. It was all too much for his mind to comprehend. Shrugging it off, he made his way toward Poppywater Park while dodging various nurse demons and burned strippers.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, at Bob's-Bowl-O-Rama, Betty the hideous nurse demon stares into the abyss of a vending machine. Her sights set on a tasty bag of Doritos; she turns around to stare at Traffic-cone Head. T-head looked up from his pizza and stared at Betty.

"What do you want?" he asked her in monster language, his voice laden with venom.

"I want that dollar you owe me. You see, there's a bag of Doritos in there and it only costs 75 cents…."

T-head sighs in annoyance. "You are a demon, right? Just break the glass open and steal the damn chips."

Betty gasps. "What! Samael would kill me if I broke his vending machine!"

"Since when are you afraid of the head honcho?" T-head questioned her as he slipped a piece of pizza under the metal triangular cone concealing his head.

Betty put her hands on her hips, attempting to be menacing. "But you do owe that dollar, and I think you're just trying to get out of paying me it."

"Bitch!" T-head roared, standing up "How many times do I have to tell you? I paid you that damn dollar! It was last week!"

"No you didn't! Liar!" shrieked the hideous nurse demon defensively.

T-head brought his fist down on his pizza in a fit of rage. Cheese and sauce flew through the air, splattering T-head's metal cone. "Damn you!" he raged, "look what you made me do! Look what you made me do! You're lucky I don't make a shish kabob out of you! Now get your ass out of here and go assault James you worthless wench!"

"I'm not worthless!" Betty cried out through teary eyes.

"GET OUT!" roared T-head, flinging the pizza box and the remaining pizza at her. Once she left, he sat back down and sighed, wiping the cheese off of his cone head with a napkin. "He seriously doesn't pay me enough for this job."


	12. Almost Orgasmic

A/N: Ahoy, Ahoy my precious readers. I have bestowed upon you another pulse pounding, and slightly insane, chapter of James's quest. Just in time for Halloween! Enjoy the hole jumping fun!

Here is another long chapter for you, in celebration of All Hallows Eve.

* * *

James Scanderlund scratched furiously at the bare earth beneath the statue of an angel in Poppywater Park.

"Where is it?" he muttered, referring to the key for the historical society. His fingers finally scratched against metal. James flinched back, appalled by the feel of the rusted old metal. Gathering his nerves, he reached into the dirt and pulled out a padlocked rusty tin box.

Of course, the feel of the disgusting metal made him squeal like a prepubescent boy. He glanced around quickly to make sure that nothing was there to hear his screech before he turned his attention back to the box.

"Eureka!" He exclaimed. He reached into his bottomless pocket and pulled out the wrench that he had ferreted away earlier. Now, James looked from the wrench to the locked, nasty feeling box for a good five minutes before deciding what he must do. Why, he must do the obvious of course!

Gathering his nerves once more, he lifted the box into the air and pitched it with all of his strength at the cement walkway. The box hit with such force that the rusted tin broke away, spilling on to the ground an old bronze key.

James glanced at the unused wrench and then tossed it casually into the bushes.

James thought about what a genius he was as he scooped up the key and pocketed it. He turned to leave the park, but stopped as he noticed the hole that he dug. Well, he wasn't about to let a perfectly good hole go to waste!

He reached slowly into his pocket and drew out the remains of his plank. Holding back the sobs that threatened to escape, he placed the dead plank neatly into the hole.

"Oh plank," James choked out, "You such a good weapon; always faithful, never failing to bring down those strippers. You never even gave me so much as a splinter." He paused to sniffle, then carried on, "Even though you are gone, the memories of you will always be with me. You will be my flashlight in times of darkness, my static blaring radio in times of disaster, my company in times of solitude, and my ray of hope in times of despair…"

A muffled sniffle sounded from nearby, causing James to nearly have a stroke in panic. He looked up to see Harry standing nearby, tears sliding down his cheeks.

"That was so beautiful, Larry." He choked out, wiping his eyes on his coat sleeve.

"Err, it's James, Harry." said James as he eyed Harry suspiciously.

"Oh, right... James." He said lowly, still sniffling.

James raised an eyebrow at Harry before crouching next to the plank's gravesite and burying its remains. When he stood back up, he was greeted with a horrible sight.

Betty the nurse demon had tracked him down, and stood across the cement pathway.

"Aha!" she groaned incoherently in monster language, "I found you! Now, I will do what Traffic Cone ordered and assault you!"

Of course, what James heard was: Gryraaaa! Grrr grargle gurgle! SCREE! Blarg gruuuug GLAH!

Betty lunged at the terrified James with a copper pipe in hand. James squealed and nearly dodged her swinging pipe. He grabbed the first weapon he felt in his pocket, which turned out to be the handgun, and aimed at her. He pulled the trigger.

A spray of blood erupted from Betty as she staggered backward, screeching in anger. She clutched at her wounded shoulder, then shuffled towards James, her revolting featureless head bobbling about, as nurse demons do.

James gasped, and shot her again. This time, blood and gunk sprayed from her torso. Even so, she continued scuffling towards him as if unaffected. One more shot, this one to her disgusting bobble head, caused her to keel over, gurgling and growling.

James ran over to the downed nurse and gave her a hearty stomp with the heel of his boot. She writhed about on the pavement, spreading her blood about as if making a demonic snow angel. James stomped her once more, causing her to lie still.

James backed away from her corpse, terrified and disgusted. Harry still sniffled in the background, completely oblivious as he stared at the plank's grave. James glanced at Harry, and decided to sneak off before Harry noticed him and started to ask his famous questions.

James crept out of Poppywater Park, safely away from Harry and the nasty dead nurse. Reassured that Harry was far enough away, he pulled out his map and studied it, searching for the Historical Society Museum.

He located it on the map, alongside Nathan Avenue. He looked down the long, foggy stretch of road before him. Why, he was already on Nathan Avenue! A feeling of accomplishment spread within him. James folded up the map and crammed it into his pocket before jogging down the misty street.

James had been jogging for about fifteen minutes, avoiding straight jacketed strippers and dodging random, nameless nurse demons, when he finally came to a stop in order to catch his breath. The road was ungodly long, and was starting to get very annoying. James panted for a while before walking down the road, no longer having the strength to jog any longer.

The town of Quiet Hill was far behind him, only the bill boards that dotted the avenue stood as traces of civilization. Walking completely alone, with only sounds of his echoing, empty footsteps, James began to feel quite unnerved. He hadn't even heard a gurgling demon for the past five minutes. The situation struck James as abnormal, and felt as though he should stop following the avenue and run back to town. He was about to do just that when he saw the looming figure of the museum through the mist. He ran happily towards it, completely disregarding the nurse demon shuffling about on patrol in front of the building. He ran past the nurse and jammed the bronze key into the lock. The door unlocked and James scampered quickly inside. Success!

He closed the door behind him and locked it for good measure, the nurse demon wandered aimlessly about outside. He turned to get a good look at his surroundings.

* * *

Traffic Cone Head shuffled through the town, dragging his big ass butter knife of doom behind him. The sound of the knife dragging on the pavement made an unholy screech, but T-Head rather enjoyed the sound. He loved the horror that the sound of his dragging weapon instilled in James. Oh how fun James was to mess with, T-head mentally thanked Samael for ordering him to stalk James.

He was on his way to the Historical Society, on a mission to freak James out some more. He planned to meet up with his identical twin, Stewart, there. After all, two creepy ass T-heads are better then one.

On his way, T-Head detoured into Poppywater Park. Just because he is a horrible, revolting demon with a metal traffic cone lodged over his head doesn't that he can't enjoy gazing out over the misty lake and appreciate its beauty.

T-Head shuffled his way over to the railing overlooking the lake and leaned his butter knife against a bench. As gazed over the gray waters, the coppery smell of blood reached him. He turned around to find Betty, crumpled and defeated on the walkway. Sighing, he made his way over to her and crouched down beside her. As he suspected, she was dead. Standing back up, he reached his hand into his pocket. After rustling about through candy wrappers and loose change, his hand closed on a dollar bill. He pulled out the dollar, and then dropped it on Betty's bloodied corpse. His conscious cleared, he retrieved his butter knife and sauntered away. Maybe he'd rape a mannequin demon along the way, just for kicks.

Long after T-Head abandoned the park, a pair of burned stripper demons happened across Betty's corpse. They were not attracted to the dead nurse, but rather to the dollar lying on her corpse. Naturally attracted to money, the stripper demons jostled their way over to her body. Since they lacked the use of arms, they flailed about madly on her body, attempting in vain to pick up the dollar.

* * *

James took a long glance about the Historical Society Museum. The room was filled with paintings, none of them having any real importance. He wandered to the back of the room were he found a vivid painting of Traffic Cone Head. In the painting, T-head stood with a spear in hand. In the background were strange caged corpses hanging from the sky. Unnerved by the painting, James glanced at its title.

"'Misty day, remains of the judgment' It's him." James read aloud. "Whoever painted this must have been on acid."

James then traveled through the double doors behind the creepy painting and found himself in a room with more paintings. Intrigued, James examined them. One was a painting of that horrible hospital he journeyed through earlier, another was of the director of said hospital, and James's favorite picture was one of a hole in the floor of a dark room. The hole seemed to be calling James, just begging him to leap into it.

A strange moaning noise aroused James from his hole-induced trance. He moved about the room and found a hole in the wall, where the noise seemed to be coming from. Opposite of what most sane people would do in such a situation, James wandered into the hole. Just inside was dark, descending passageway. James flipped on the handy flashlight pinned to his jacket and traveled through the passage.

And what a long passage it was! James began to run, becoming bored of the scenery, drawing ever nearer to the strange moaning noise. He suddenly began to panic; what if the passage never ended? What if he was doomed to run into oblivion? What if something was chasing him? Suddenly very paranoid, James found himself sprinting down the passage, the maddening moaning seeming to come from nowhere yet everywhere. Running faster than ever before, James eventually did find the end of the descending passage. However, he did not stop running. So terrified was he of the something that could be chasing him that he slammed directly into the door.

"Damn!" he exclaimed, while he placed his hand to his face. As he pulled it away, he discovered that it was colored with blood from his bleeding nose. He let out a stream of colorful words as he viciously threw open the door and traveled inside, only to find himself face to face with a grotesque stripper demon.

He quickly pulled out the handgun, since it was previously equipped, and shot the monstrosity. He didn't bother to finish it off and instead bolted past its quivering form. He threw open the door at the other end of the decaying room and set foot into a narrow hallway. The ground was slightly moist, and made a nauseating sound when he walked on it.

James made little disgusted noises as he walked on the squishy floor. He rounded a corner, than took a right. In the middle of his path was another stripper demon. James decided not to deal with it, and ran towards the door on his left. He grabbed the handle and yanked madly on it. Unfortunately, the lock was broken and he couldn't open the door.

"Damn doors!" James yelled as he kicked the door hard enough to make it splinter. Satisfied, James turned to meet the stripper now a mere yard away from him. He screamed not unlike a frightened child and gunned it down. Before he could snuff the life out of it with his boot of liberation, it scuttled grossly across the floor and around the corner, screeching as it went. Completely disgusted, James ran down the passageway and threw open the door that the stripper was previously guarding.

Inside the room was the hole from the painting that James investigated earlier.

"Joy!" he squealed excitedly. He dropped to his knees beside the hole and peered into its black abyss. Just like the painting, the hole seemed to be just begging him to leap into its unknown depths. James could hardly restrain himself. Impulsively, he vaulted himself into the hole.

The fall through the blackness didn't last too long. James landed sprawled on the cold ground. He pulled himself up and brushed the dirt off his precious coat, somehow perfectly fine after the fall even though he was damaged by the fall off of the hospital. It's pointless to count all of the inconsistencies that game designers make.

James studied the stone wall before him via the light of his pocket flashlight. He rotated around only to find that he was trapped in a stone circle. Well…shit. James suddenly realized the stupidity of leaping into a dark hole in the ground in the first place.

Looking at the stone walls and the distant circle of light above him, James realized that it looked as though he were in a well. This reminded him of a certain movie.

"AHHH! The Ring! Samara!" James shouted as he looked desperately around. He clawed at the walls, attempting in vain to climb out. At one point, a piece of rock crumpled from the wall into his hand. He studied the rock, and then tossed it. Hoping that it was a way out, he continued to claw at that section of wall, each time more debris falling away. Realizing that he wasn't getting anywhere, James reached into his pocket that somehow managed to conceal a three foot pipe without even bulging. He pulled out said pipe and hacked away at the weak section of wall. It eventually crumbled and gave way, revealing a door.

James hastily opened the door and stepped down into a hallway filled to his knees with water. James half expected to see Samara floating around. Pushing the thought from his mind, he traveled into the unbearably smelly, sewer-like place.

James followed the path to its end and found a room with, wait for it, another hole! This hole, however, was blocked with a locked gate. Yes, a locked gate on the ground. James glared at the obstacle that kept him from leaping into the attractive hole. Angered, James left the room and entered the room immediately to the left.

"Yay!" James exclaimed upon seeing the key in the center of the room. Even though it seemed a little too easy, James reached down and plucked the key from the floor. As if on cue, his flashlight went out. James almost freaked out in the horrifying darkness, but then he remembered the battery he picked up back in the hospital. Grinning, James located the battery in his pocket and replaced the dead one in his flashlight.

When the light came back on, James found the room to be filled with abnormally large cockroaches. They scurried about James's feet and covered the walls and ceiling. The rusty color of the walls was almost completely eclipsed by the roaches. Suddenly remembering his phobia of roaches, James screamed rather girlishly and dashed for the door. He swiped the roach off of the handle then tugged on it, only to discover to his absolute horror that the door is locked. Whining pathetically, he located a number panel beside the door.

A big fat roach was sitting on the panel, staring at him.

"Ew! Ew! Gross! Ew!" James squealed, still whining like a wounded dog as he hopped up and down in revolution. He was about to wipe the roach off of the panel when one crawled up his pant leg. James screamed in disgust as he violently thwacked the offending insect off of his leg. He then backhanded the roach off the number panel and began to desperately press buttons until he heard the door unlock. Throwing open the door, James slammed it shut behind him. He leaned against the wall opposite the door and panted heavily.

He was sure that he could hear God laughing at him.

Gaining control over his terrified mind once more, James went into the room with the hole on the floor. He forgot about the infested room as he stared longingly at the barred off hole. Using the key from the cockroach room, he unlocked the gate.

Success!

James wasted no time leaping into the second hole of the day.

This time, James found himself in what appeared to be a decaying cafeteria. Picking himself off of the grimy floor, he noticed a teddy bear that appeared to have been shot several times lying on a table. Its white stuffing poured from its wounds like blood. It was enough to horrify any small child. A grunt from the front of the room alerted James to someone's presence.

Looking up, James met Neddy the revolting tub of lard once more.

"Hello Neddy," started James.

"I did it!" Neddy interrupted.

James furrowed his brow. "Did what?"

"Killin' a plushie ain't no big deal," Neddy said creepily while waving a handgun about, "Just put the gun to their head…pow!"

James stared at him quizzically. "You…killed that bear?"

"You should have seen the way it was lookin' at me! With those empty, beady eyes! I could tell what he was thinkin', oh I knew!" Neddy called out with a pinch of insanity in his voice.

James was about to say something, then Neddy cut him off. "Aw, I didn't kill that bear," he said, chuckling, "I wouldn't nobody or nothin'." He turned and left the room, leaving James alone.

He stared at the defeated stuffed animal for a few moments before following after Neddy. "Psychopath…" he muttered under his breath.

Looking about, Neddy was nowhere, and James seemed to be in some sort of prison. In fact, a tablet on the wall confirmed his suspicions. It read: 'Tuluki Prison'.

Great, a prison; James could hardly wait.

James spent the majority of the time aimlessly wandering about the prison, taking down random strippers and listening to ghosts in the long forgotten jail cells muttering completely random things. Basically, it was uneventful. During his adventures, he managed to find a wax doll, a horseshoe, and a shiny brass Zippo lighter. The reason why he picked up those random items was revealed when he entered the next room.

A white escape hatch was on the floor, with its handle broken off. James took out the three aforementioned random objects and laid them out before him, like a child in kindergarten attempting to solve a puzzle. After much thought, James discovered how to make a handle. First, he melted the wax doll into the empty handle slot, and then inserted the horseshoe into the wax. He stared at the hardening wax, extremely proud of his success. As soon as the wax seemed sturdy, he grasped the horseshoe and pried open the escape hatch.

Oh wonderful day! Another hole! Practically bursting with excitement, James leaped into the seemingly endless hole.

James stood up from the floor and glanced about. Now, he appeared to be in the basement of the prison. Since he only had one option, he pried open the ancient double doors and walked into a foul room.

The stench almost knocked him off of his feet. His vision blurred slightly as he held his jacket sleeve to his nose in an attempt to drown out the smell. Unfortunately, his jacket wasn't anymore pleasant to smell after being exposed to Quiet Hill for quite a while.

Gagging, James glanced about the room. In the middle of the room was stretcher with a dead, decaying body sprawled out on it and covered with a stained white sheet. The walls of the room consisted of large grouped holes with random body parts hanging out them. James took a gander into one of the holes and was so repulsed by what he saw that he dared not speak of it.

In a hurry to leave the room, James plowed his way through another set of rusted double doors. And in this room, was another hole that James had not yet jumped through!

"Oh, bliss!" James said aloud in pure ecstasy as bounded into the hole.

He landed rather gracelessly on his backside in a dark room. He stood up and recovered from the hole-induced thrill before he ventured through the door behind him.

In the center of the room was a deep, dark hole.

Hardly able to contain himself, James plunged into the hole. He hit the bottom hardly feeling the pain.

"All of these holes… it's nearly orgasmic!" He exclaimed as he picked himself off of the filthy ground. To his dismay, he did not find another hole in this new location. Instead, he found an elevator. As he neared the elevator, the doors opened automatically, calling him inside. So of course, James obeyed, having nothing better to do.

Inside the large elevator, James realized that it had no buttons. The door closed suddenly, trapping him inside. He was alarmed by this, but not enough to cause him to breakdown. He had been in many situations in Quiet Hill far more disturbing than this. The elevator ride was ridiculously long, so he took the time to wonder about how far under the earth he was now. First, he traveled down an ungodly long descending passageway, then jumped down a total of five holes, and now he rode an elevator that seemed to descend for ten minutes at fast pace. It seemed to James as if he were on a trip to Hell.

Finally, the elevator doors opened. James left the elevator, grateful to be someplace new. He examined an out-of-place, red post-it before continuing through a light brown door.

James examined his surroundings. He seemed to be in a labyrinth. The passage before him was blocked off by wires, so James did the obvious thing and assumed that he needed to go through there. His attempts to rip the wire with his bare hands failed, so he instead decided to explore the rest of the labyrinth.

Wandering aimlessly through stripper infested passageways, a song popped into James's mind, most likely induced by the labyrinth.

"In all your fantasies, you always knew," James sang rather poorly, "that man and mystery, were both in you. And in this labyrinth! Where night is blind! THE PHAAAAAAANTOM of the opera is there, inside your…" He suddenly droned off in mid song as he discovered a ladder to go down. He smiled that the prospect of going even deeper into the earth. He gasped the metal of the ladder and climbed down quickly.

He found himself in a hallway, and heard a strange shuffling noise that was unlike the shuffle of the strippers, nurses, or mannequins. Curious, he advanced into the hall and rounded a corner only to meet up with old reliable Traffic Cone Head again. T-Head had ditched the unreasonably large butter knife in favor a light spear, the very one he used to impale that whore Maria.

James squealed in horror at the sight of his monster stalker, and ran the opposite direction. He threw open a door and secured himself safely inside a room.

T-Head watched James do this, and was amused by the terrified reaction. He did not follow James, however. He was preoccupied with finding his twin, Stewart. He thought that maybe Stewart was in the base of operations, but he was nowhere to be found in there. In fact, that base was the very room that James ran into. T-Head suddenly remembered that he stored his knife in there.

"He better not touch my knife." T-Head grumbled aloud before continuing his search.

James leaned against the door and panted, expecting T-Head to attack the door in an angry rage. When this did not happen, James was relieved yet at the same time, worried. The room was rather empty, with only a bloody table and some red fluorescent lighting. The words 'Secret Base' were scribbled on the far wall. James stared at this for a moment, contemplating all of the possible meanings when he saw the big ass butter knife of doom setting on the bloodied table, causing him to completely forget about the message.

James stepped foreword and gasped the knife, yanking it off of the table with all of his might. Oh, how heavy it was. Too heavy to carry like a sword, he instead dragged it about the room, pretending for a moment that he was the creepy monster.

His child-like urge satisfied, he came to the conclusion that such a weapon would be impractical to carry around. He still wanted to keep it, so he defied all logic by simply stuffing it into his bottomless pocket. It didn't even weigh him down or cause one unsightly bulge in his jacket. James thought about stuffing a person in his pocket someday just to see what would happen.

Having nowhere else to go in this secret base, James went back out the door he came from. T-Head was nowhere to be seen, so he quickly scuttled back up the ladder before something else could attack him.

Back to where he came from, James located a different ladder. He went down this one and was confronted by two stripper demons. He made short work of them with his shotgun, and left their broken, bleeding corpses behind as he traveled up yet another ladder.

He found himself in a room with a weird box of stone faces. James discovered that he could rotate the box around into different positions. He entertained himself with the box for a while before becoming bored with it and wandering into the adjacent room. By chance, James solved the box of faces puzzle without even trying. He jogged down the staircase and appeared in front of a jail cell.

And who was sin the jail cell but Maria in all of her slutty glory.

James stared in confusion, hadn't Maria died in the hospital? What was she doing here?

"Maria?" he asked cautiously.

"Right-o James," she said as she wandered over to the vertical bars that separated them, "It's me, in the flesh."

"But you died! Back in the hospital, I saw you die in the corridor!"

"James," she said dreamily, "do you remember that one time in the hotel? We had a beautiful view of Tuluki Lake. You made that video there, I wonder if it's still there…"

James appeared shocked. "Mary?"

Maria simply smiled.

"How do you know that? Aren't you Maria?" James said, confused beyond all belief.

"I am… if you want me to be." She whispered suggestively. "What matters is, I'm here for you James." She reached out and touched his face. "See? I'm real."

James quickly slapped her offensive hand away. "What the hell are you talking about! You're just a random slut that started to follow me; you don't mean anything to me at all! I was happy when you died, now you have to come back to life and ruin my fun!"

Maria seemed not to hear a word that James said as she sat down suggestively in a chair.

"Don't you want to come and save me James? We can't do much through these bars…"

"Ugh!" James shrieked in disgust, her attempts to seduce him having failed, "Your promises of sex do not tempt me! You disgusting burden of a useless whore!"

Maria just stared, brainlessly smiling.

"Well, now what do I do?" James asked nothing/nobody in particular.

"You have to come and rescue me." Maria said, her voice slightly sing-song.

James sighed in annoyance. "Do I have a choice?"

"Nope."

"Fine, but you're not following me when I let you out!" He turned and stormed from the room and back up the staircase. In the room with the box puzzle, James saw a wire cutter lodged into an open breaker box beside the ladder.

"How convenient." He mused, remembering the wire blocking his path. He pulled the wire cutter from the box and headed back up the ladder. He managed to navigate back to the blocked path without any trouble.

Straining to use the wire cutter, an alien tool to James, he eventually managed to cut away all of the wire in his path. In the room he found another ladder (Joy!). He climbed down said ladder and into the second part of the labyrinth.

* * *

A/N: Happy Halloween to all. 


	13. Of Trial and Strife

**A/N**: Greetings! It's been a while since I updated. It's always a while, but this was ridiculous. I couldn't get this up when I wanted to because I was suddenly flooded with things to do. Also, I'm caring for an orphaned kitten (named Vincent) whom is taking up much of my time. He's so cute though.

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The narrow hallways of the infested labyrinth almost seemed to be getting narrower to James. He strolled casually down them, taking unexpected turns and climbing up and down ladders. At one point, he stopped and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. Since he did not have a map of the place, James had been attempting to make one of his own using a scrap paper and his trusted pens. However, judging by his map, James would make a horrible cartographer. He glared and turned the map upside-down, completely unable to decipher his own mass of childish scribbles and completely random sketches. Eventually, he gave up and stuffed the map back into his unending pocket.

"If I just keep wandering, I'm bound to run into something…" he reasoned with himself.

"No!" someone shrieked from behind a wall as if on queue.

James leaped back from the wall faster then President Bush from a pretzel. He pressed himself against the far wall, his heart racing from the sudden noise. "Hello?" Only a cricket chirped in reply. James glared, mentally daring that cricket to chirp again.

"UGH! WHY?" the feminine voice shrieked again.

"What do you want from me?" James questioned the grungy wall. The cricket chirped enthusiastically. If there was one thing James hated more then Maria and teletubbies, it was silence being broken by an obnoxious cricket. So many nights he had lain awake in his bed after being awoken by a cricket that he could never find.

"Come on, cricket!" he threatened, "chirp one more time and it shall be your last!"

"Stay away from me!" the wall whined. James suddenly came to a realization when he recognized the voice.

"Angelica?" he questioned, "How did you get in there?"

James pointed his flashlight down the hall and noticed that the walls and floor were covered in newspaper pages. He shuffled down the hall a little way and discovered a door concealed by newspaper. Straining with effort, he managed to force the door open and peered inside.

Angelica was curled up in the corner, rocking back in forth and mumbling to herself. The walls of the small room were disturbingly fleshy. James cringed as he stepped inside and instinctively closed the door behind him.

"Angelica…? What's goin' on?"

She stopped rocking and peered up at him from behind a veil of black hair. Her eyes suddenly widened with fear and she screamed. "Get AWAY! Get away from me!"

James stared. "What did I do?" It was then when a blast of hot, moist breath collided with the back of James' neck along with the scent of honey and baby powder. He wheeled around to face the eternally smiling purple teletubbie. "You!" James screamed as he pulled the shotgun from his pocket. The teletubbie giggled and backhanded James across the face before he could respond.

James felt his back collide with the disturbingly fleshy wall. "Ugh…" He held a hand to his stinging face and glared up at the teletubbie. The horrific creature giggled happily and clapped its hands together. Then, it began to prance about in circles as if performing some sort of sickening ceremonial dance. James continued to stare in confusion.

"James!" Angelica called out, "Look out! It's summoning a demon from hell!" She pulled herself into a tighter ball and cried into her hands.

James stared at the dancing teletubbie, completely transfixed. "…What?" The teletubbie abruptly stopped and threw its hand into the air. A pillar of fire burst from the floor before James who immediately screamed like a six-year-old girl and pressed himself against the wall. The teletubbie cackled and teleported away while Angelica screamed her head off. James, still screaming, watched as a creature began to pull itself from the floor. It reared its massive head in the flames and growled an unsettling sound. James heard the distinct sound of ice cream truck music plinking somewhere in the distance. Soon, the plinking music reached a crescendo with the sound of a chorus of children chanting the lines: "I love you! You love me! We're a happy family!"

The fire stopped spewing forth form the floor, revealing the creature in all its glory. It appeared to be a massive, purple, scientifically incorrect tyrannosaurus with a maniac grin. James stared in terror. "…Barney?" The creature lunged forward and opened its mouth in an unearthly screech of rage, revealing a double row of large, sharp and pointy teeth. James screamed in horror and almost wet himself. He scrambled from the wall and pressed himself in the corner opposite from the screaming Angelica. Barney ambled towards James, pawing the air in front of it with its useless, tiny arms. James quickly cocked the shotgun and fired a few rounds into it before it got to close for comfort. He freaked out and slipped past Barney to flee into a different corner, not unlike a scared wombat. He continued blasting away at Barney. The creature's dark blood sprayed in clouds and peppered the walls, but it did not seem to be affected. With Barney closing in, James clenched his eyes shut and pulled the trigger again, only to be met with an empty click.

Barney growled happily and swung its bulky tail at James, who fell roughly to the floor and wheezed. He sat upright and dropped the shotgun in favor of a loaded handgun. He held a shaky hand upward and aimed the gun at Barney. The wannabe dinosaur giggled coldly, "Foolish mortal. Playtime is over!" It quickly snapped forward, engulfing James' arm, gun and all, into its mouth nearly to his shoulder. James cried out in pain and shock as he felt Barney's teeth dig into his flesh and ruin his favorite jacket. Bloody dinosaur saliva slid from Barney's jowls and soiled James' pant leg. Summoning every once of strength, James pulled the trigger within the beast's mouth. The bullet exploded out the back of Barney's skull, sending brain matter and other random bits of dinosaur debris flying. It released James' arm, stepped backward, and roared in shock. It continued its sickly cry as it collapsed to the ground and convulsed.

Angelica suddenly tore from her designated corner and brought a T.V. down upon the writhing Barney's skull. The dinosaur twitched its last and lie still.

James pulled himself to his feet. "Where did that T.V. come from?" Angelica made her way over to him.

"Don't dare talk to me," she said while heaving, "Don't even touch me!" James stared at her in confusion. "Or you could just force me, like HE always did!" She suddenly violently kicked the corpse of Barney.

"Angelica, what are you rambling about?"

She turned and glared at him. "I know what you're after; the same thing all men are after. You make me SICK. I never want to see you again." With that, she slunk from the room and disappeared into the hallway. James stared at the Barney corpse, completely confused.

"What did I do?" he dejectedly asked the air. A pulse of pain reminded him of the arm injury he sustained. He slipped off his bloodied jacket and examined the rapidly bleeding wound. He fished through his jacket pocket and found the conveniently placed first aid kit he had found earlier on his journey. He wrapped the wound tightly in medical tape before he slid his prized jacket back on. He stared sadly at the blood soaked sleeve of his beloved jacket. "Damn you purple teletubbie… A man can only take so much loss." He suddenly became teary-eyed with the memories of his plank. He forced himself to think of other things as he left the disturbingly fleshy room and continued his search.

He entered another scary door and wandered down a long, empty hallway. Upon reaching the end of said hallway, he found his way blocked by an iron gate. James glared at the obstacle and investigated it. A pair of handcuffs kept the gate firmly in place.

"Handcuffs... Kinky," James muttered to no one. He thought about keeping them once he unlocked them, but then came to the conclusion that being cornered by Maria with a pair of handcuffs in that jail cell may cause him to commit suicide. He shrugged it off and wandered back up the corridor to examine the other rooms he passed without a thought. One room contained six empty nooses; the other was considerably more disturbing. Instead of six empty nooses, six decaying corpses hung from the ceiling. James let out a startled cry at the putrid smell then investigated the bodies.

One he recognized immediately as Michael Jackson. The other five turned out to be Big Bird, Michael Bolton, Donald Trump, Bill Gates, and Hilary Duff. James frowned at the confusing ensemble then aimed his flashlight at a sticky note stuck to the far wall. He approached it and struggled to read the childish hand writing: "Only 1 is teh nawt guiwty 1. Pull teh wr0ng wrope + U is ded." James scratched his head and checked another nearby, considerably larger sticky note. "We all know the molester is guilty. One just deserves to die. One is the antichrist. One is too popular, cutesy, and has an annoying voice. One is extremely overrated. And the Bird… well, I don't know." James was considerably confused by this.

"Aw, screw this," he said to no one in particular. He left the room and skipped down the hallway to the other conveniently unlocked door. He paused first to make sure that no one had seen him frolicking; it might hurt his reputation. After making sure that the coast was clear, he eased open the door and entered. Hanging about the room where the six empty nooses. James stared as he recalled the hanging corpses in the previous room.

"Hmm… This is more than coincidence, I just know it!" He brainlessly reached out tugged down the first noose that caught his attention. The noose gave way and lowered about a foot before coming to a stop. "…What?" questioned James, "I can't have one? It might come in handy should I feel the need to kill myself again." His train of thought suddenly derailed when someone forcefully poked his shoulder from behind. James squeaked and spun around.

He found himself face to face with a pale, cloaked man. The most interesting thing about the man was the oh-so-shiny white mask concealing half of his face. "Hey!" James bleated before he could stop himself, "How do you keep that mask on?" He reached out to touch it but the man jerked away.

"Why," started the man, "are you touching my punjabs?"

"These are yours?" Before the man could respond, James fled squealing from the room, leaving the phantom behind in confusion.

James reentered the room of corpses, out of breath from having sprinted the whole ten feet. He quickly forgot why he was frightened in the first place when a shiny object caught his eye. His inner ferret tingled with excitement as he strode to the object and claimed it. Printed clearly on the object was, 'KEY OF THE PERSECUTED'. "Hey…," spoke the mighty James, "wasn't Michael Jackson just hanging here?" He stared at the empty noose while he recalled what the sticky note had said. "He was innocent huh? Well that just helps to prove that my life is a lie." He scampered to the exit then lingered in the doorway as he gave big bird a good long stare of suspicion.

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A badly mangled nurse demon wobbled up a street, leaving behind a trail of dark blood. She came to a stop before an elaborate-looking hotel and gazed up at it in thought. A light breeze picked up and stirred the healthy branches of the seemingly out-of-place trees. The nurse sighed and began limping towards the entrance.

"Hey!" a voice called out from behind her. She recognized it instantly as the voice of Traffic Cone Head. She paused and turned around. "Betty!" T-Head called out, waving a gloved hand, "I thought you were dead."

Betty sighed, "Mostly… I managed to crawl away with my life still intact." She turned to stare at the hotel. "Are you sure he's gonna show up at this place? It seems a bit too…expensive for a guy like James."

T-Head moved up beside her. "Yeah, he'll eventually end up here after he runs out of places to explore. I'm surprised that moron didn't identify the hotel as the 'special place' first off…idiot." He turned his metal cone-encased head towards Betty. "I'm surprised that you lesser demons are showing up as well. I thought I would be stuck with those brainless doormen and Stewart."

"…Stewart?"

T-Head started for the door, "Stewart: my twin brother. We don't talk about him."

Betty examined the freshly blood-stained spear clutched in T-Head's hand. "Hey," she began, "That blonde, spiky-haired guy contacted me. He said he wants his sword back."

"…Cloud?" T-Head turned his head up in defiance. "Well, tell him that it is _not_ his sword anymore: it's my butter knife of doom. And besides," he narrowed his eyes from beneath the cone, "_James_ stole it."

"But," Betty protested, "why don't you tell him! He keeps calling my cell phone and it's _annoying_!"

"You have a cell phone?" T-Head shook his head and stalked towards the hotel. "Screw Cloud; if he wants that sword back he has me to deal with. Why don't you carry out your duties?" He waved his hand dismissively, "You know the routine, stalk around and assault James when he arrives."

"But…!" Betty called out. T-Head had already entered the hotel and slammed the door behind him. She sighed, "T-Head really is charming when he takes command like that…" She limped to the door and wondered if she would ever see the dollar that was owed to her.

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A solitary stripper demon scuttled along the sidewalk, gurgling in happiness. Stuck to its slimy chest was a stained dollar bill. It continued to gurgle, relishing its victory as it scuttled as quickly as it could. Behind the stripper demon, a pack of angry fellow strippers gave chase in hopes of stealing the dollar. As the victorious stripper scuttled, the dollar bill suddenly peeled off of it and floated to the ground. The demon squealed in surprise then proceeded to smash itself repeatedly into the sidewalk in hopes of getting the bill stuck again. The bill eventually stuck to the mucous-covered skin and the demon stripper took off again, at its top speed of four miles per hour. The pursuing stripper demons gurgled in anger and continued the high-speed chase.

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James squatted down on the floor as he desperately attempted to open the handcuffs barring his path the KEY OF THE PERSECUTED. "Yes!" he called out in triumph when the handcuffs gave way and crumpled to the floor. He was slightly worried when the key randomly disappeared, but soon got over it and raised the gate. He followed a short hallway then pushed open a white door.

Lying on the uncomfortable bed was an unmoving Maria. James about to say something snarky upon his discovery of her but paused when he realized that her face was covered with blood. He cringed and stepped forward to examine her. It appeared that she had been smothered to the point of death with something. James emitted a creepy giggle and backed away from her corpse.

"…Yay! She's good n' dead again! I guess I didn't have to worry about having a useless whore trail after me." He paused, "Hey… This means that I went through the trouble of this hell-hole labyrinth for no reason!" He growled in annoyance and gave her bed a good kick before leaving the room. "Stupid wannabe…" he muttered as he walked through a previously blocked path. He wandered down the path until he reached a ladder. He ascended said ladder and followed an empty corridor until he found himself in a catacomb. James took the time to gather up all of the free, convenient ammunition and health items lying around for him before he examined the graves.

"Walter Sullivan…Neddy Iksworbmod…Angelica Ocsoro…Bob Ross…and," he gasped, "James Scanderlund!" The graves of Neddy, Angelica, and James were open while Bob and Walter's were filled in. Upon further investigation, the grave of Bob Ross had the words 'Happy Trees!' scrawled out on it. James stood before his own grave and stared into the inviting depths of the hole before him. He was about to leap blindly in when a voice startled him.

"Hey, you…"

James turned around to face a spiky-haired blonde man. He raised an eyebrow at the physics-defying hair, "What do you want?"

The man extended a hand. "I want my sword back."

"You can't have it!" James shrieked defensively, causing the man to flinch. "Wait a second…what sword? Who are you?"

"I'm Cloud." He narrowed his eyes in suspicion, "And you are?"

"James Scanderlund." He announced proudly.

Cloud blinked. "…Scanderlund? Is that a STD?"

"NO, damnit!" James screeched before he leapt into the hole and abandoned the strange man.

James landed awkwardly on hard pavement. He winced and pulled himself to his feet before he merrily descended the stairs before him. He followed a very long pathway before he opened a door to a gruesome scene. A man was laid face-down on the floor, soaked in a pool of his own blood. Next to the man was a plushie of a pink horse that appeared to have been shot. It's stuffing innards oozed from its wound and mixed with the man's fresh blood.

James felt his eyes tear up, "How? How could somebody so that to an innocent pony?" A disturbing chuckle from across the room caught his attention.

Neddy leaned against the wall; he clutched a shiny handgun and grinned at James. "Hello James." He seemed to read James's expression. "Yup, it was me all right. I did it. I pulled the trigger, and ya know what?" He smiled sardonically, "It felt good."

"But," James protested, "You can't just kill things on a whim like that!"

Neddy pointed the gun accusingly at James, "You didn't see the way he was lookin' at me! With those soulless, beady eyes! Mocking me like that, he had it commin'!"

James growled in anger, "It was a pony! A _pony_ you sick bastard! I love ponies!"

"Who's gonna stop me!" Neddy snarled, "Who's gonna stop me from killin' more! They're always lookin' at me, makin' fun of me with their eyes! Callin' me fat and stupid…an' ugly too! They deserve it! The little bunnies, teddy bears, even the ponies! They all deserve it! I'm strong now an' I can give them what's commin' to them! I can bring justice to this corrupted world!"

"Neddy, you're freaking insane! The ponies-" James was suddenly cut off by the crack of a firing gun. He felt spreading warmth in his foot and glanced down to find a fresh, bleeding wound on the edge of his shin. He glared at Neddy while drawing the metal pipe from his pocket. "You bastard! I'll kill you, you bastard!" He lunged and bashed the pipe smartly against Neddy's head. Neddy stumbled and grasped his bleeding head.

"Oh, James! You're just like them! You've always been like em'! I should have killed you way back in the apartments!" He raised his gun again but James stopped him by bringing the pipe down harshly on his shoulder. Neddy roared in rage and threw a punch at James who was too slow to dodge it.

"Ugh!" James rubbed his aching face. He heard another crack from the pistol but was relieved to find that Neddy had somehow missed. He quickly struck the pipe against the side of Neddy's face who howled out in agony. Neddy moaned while he clutched at the doorknob and retreated into the next room.

"You're not getting away!" James cried out as he gave chase into the next room. He appeared to be in some sort of huge meat locker. Decaying cow carcasses hung from the ceiling and a think stench choked the air. James winced at the smell and put his pipe away in favor of his shotgun. "I know you're in here!"

"James…" the voice of Neddy echoed eerily, "Why can't you see that I'm right? Why not just let yourself die, you know that you deserve it…"

James snarled and advanced into the forest of meat. "Where are you hiding, you sadistic bastard…" Another gun shot almost deafened James. The bullet embedded itself in the meat of a dead cow dangerously close to James's head. James turned to the source and thrusted the tip of the shotgun around the meat. He felt it collide with something squishy and heard Neddy 'Oof!' in surprise. James clenched his teeth and cried out, "For the ponies!" He quickly pulled the trigger. A spray of blood erupted, peppering James in crimson. Neddy was propelled backwards and landed on the cold, tiled floor.

James stepped out from the meat and aimed his shotgun at Neddy. Neddy twitched slightly and groaned while blood poured from a large wound in his chest. He soon laid still and groaned no more. James stared at the spreading blood puddle from beneath the fat man. "…I can't believe I just killed a guy… Was it really necessary?" He stuffed the shotgun into his pocket then looted pistol ammunition from Neddy's body. "Oh well, that wasn't so bad. He deserved it…that poor innocent pony." James stood and reentered the previous room.

He meandered over to the corpse of the pony plushie. James kneeled down and gathered the pony into his arms, "I'll give you a proper burial." He left the random dead man and Neddy behind as he exited out through the meat locker and back into the open air. James found himself standing on the entrance to a dock standing over an eerily quite lake. He breathed in deeply the tainted, outside air of Quiet Hill, happy to leave the building behind. First, he found a nice patch of ground then proceeded to bury the pony. He left a shotgun shell standing upright in the freshly turned earth as a crude grave marker.

James sighed and advanced on to the dock. He listened to the strangely empty sound his footfalls made on the wooden dock as he traveled and eventually came to a stop at the end. He noticed a convenient boat tethered to the dock beside him. He took a moment to examine the damage done to himself and his clothing: his dearly beloved jacket was peppered with Neddy blood, and his right sleeve was torn and blood-soaked. Exposed beneath the tear were blood-stained bandages wrapped tightly about his arm. His left pant leg was blood soaked from the shin downwards. He grinned; even though he didn't look all too well, he didn't feel much pain from his injuries. Or maybe that was just the effect of the ampoules.

James smiled out over the misty lake as his mind settled on what to do. He was heading for the hotel, Lake View Hotel: his final destination. He thought for sure that everything would be solved there, that his quest for justice would finally reach its end. He still grinned as he crouched down and began to untie the boat.

"Mary…I'm coming for you."


End file.
